Through A Glass Darkly

Dear Coach Fabulous

My partner has a tendency to go on binge drinking bouts. It happens about once every 10 days. We had gone through a period when he seemed to be trying to stop doing it and was getting advice on life generally but now things seem to have gotten worse again.

He has on occasions left the shopping outside the house and the front door wide open. When he does oo this he just disappears and returns circa 1 or 2 am and then talks for hours keeping me awake. I have a stressful job and have had to rent a separate apartment so that I have somewhere to go when this happens.

I realise that he has an illness but he won't hear of it. My gut feeling is just to hang around and be there for him when he is trying because when he is not drinking we have a comfortable and loving relationship, despite all this. But he is making it impossible for me to continue, as he resents my income going on a rental accommodation when there is so much he wants to do with his house and he wants me to come in with him. I have told him that whilst the drinking continues I cannot do this.

This morning I arrived home to find a half empty bottle of vodka in the kitchen and him flat out when he should have been getting ready to go to work. I fear that he will lose his job is he continues in this way but it seems that nothing can stop him when he gets that call. I know some people stay with drunks and see them through. I also know that no one can really help him but himself. I just don't know what to do anymore as he will not hear me on this subject. There is also the dog to consider, as if I am not there he leaves the dog cooped up in one room sometimes for days on end, with disastrous results in the house. Despite all this he is an intelligent and loving person.

Baffled and Confused


Dear Baffled and Confused

My heart really goes out to you – this is a terrible way to live. You’ve gone to such extreme lengths to try to function in an impossible situation, but you’re going to have to face up to the fact that this is not going to change without some radical action on your part. Your partner clearly does not have the will to clean up his act either for himself or for you and your continued participation in the partnership is simply enabling him to stay stuck. Standing by him and allowing him to perpetuate the same destructive behaviour is not helping him and it’s certainly not helping you. Unless you are willing to admit this to yourself now, you are condemning yourself to a future filled with more of the same (and probably worse).

Your partner needs the kind of professional help that you are not qualified to give. If he will not seek it, then you need to take a stand for yourself and remove yourself from the situation, even if it is only temporarily. You already have a separate apartment, so this would not be difficult to arrange. If you’re worried about the dog, take it with you. Do not use any excuse to avoid taking this crucial step. The behaviour you are being subjected to is abusive and you need to start asking yourself why you are willing to put up with that. Loving someone is not a good enough reason to put yourself through this kind of torment.

The bonds of love between you are obviously very strong, or you wouldn’t have willingly subjected yourself to this kind of ordeal, but somehow that love has morphed into an inappropriate sense of responsibility for your partner. It might look like love, but it isn’t. Healthy love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your life for someone or put up with abusive behaviour. Somewhere along the line, taking care of your own needs has completely dropped off the radar. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a look at why you feel so much responsibility for him and so little for your own wellbeing.

Here’s the deal – if you carry on the way you are, it’s all downhill from here and he will have no incentive to change. If you step back and start to take care of yourself, he will either get his act together or carry on regardless. Either way, the only person you can guarantee to save is yourself. If he is determined to trash his own life, he’ll do it whether you’re there or not. Do you really want to be collateral damage in his own private game of crash and burn?

I know all of your friends have told you he’s bad for you and I’m going to sound just like that broken record, but if you really care for him, you need to know that the only thing that is going to shock him into action is if you withdraw and start to introduce consequences for his behaviour. Currently, he knows full well he can do what he likes and you’ll still be there. He has to know that you’re serious about building a life for yourself that includes a healthy relationship and he can be a part of that only if he’s willing to do the work on himself.

It will be hard for you to do this, but this is the only way to shift what is now a very ingrained situation. Make sure that you get all the help you possibly can, including some professional advice from an addiction support group like Al-Anon. I would also recommend that you find yourself a counsellor that you feel very comfortable with, who can support you in making the changes at your own pace, help you to unravel the complex emotional ties in this relationship and assist you in rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem. Friends can be helpful, but they are no substitute for a non-judgemental professional who can help you to see the situation with real clarity, while encouraging you to take the steps you need to take.

The good news is that you have already stood up for yourself by maintaining your separate apartment and refusing to invest in his property while he continues to drink. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Take heart – this will get better if you’re willing to do what needs to be done. As well as helping your partner, you’ll be learning to make yourself a priority in your own life. Start the process by taking very good care of yourself in even the smallest of ways. Treat yourself, take time out to do what you want to do instead of what you think you should do, and be kind to yourself. These small acts of self-care are the foundation for strong self-worth. Small choices lead to larger choices and then it won’t be long before you’ll be wondering how you could have put up with a situation like this for so long.

Even if you make changes now because you know it’s the right thing for him, I hope that very soon you’ll be making those changes because you know it’s the right thing for you and that you have become the priority in your own life.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Women On The Verge Of A Friendship Breakdown

Dear Coach Fabulous

Sometimes I feel that one of my close girlfriends puts me down. Just recently she really hurt my feelings when I needed her support. Usually, I'll take the comment and feel bad about myself, but is this what friendship is about?

Somewhat Slightly Dazed

Dear Somewhat Slightly Dazed

I’m pretty much taking this as a rhetorical question. Let’s face it, we all know that’s not what friendship is about. However, it is indicative of the little flare-ups we encounter in friendships and so the question you need to ask yourself is whether this is a temporary glitch or part of an ongoing downward spiral. If you look dispassionately at your friendship, is this an occasional lapse in an otherwise supportive relationship or is it symptomatic of how you have come to relate to each other?

No friendship is immune from the odd bout of ruffled feathers. Our beliefs, opinions, attitudes and standards are all so different that it’s unrealistic to expect to always remain in total agreement. Quite frankly, if anyone thinks they are perpetually in blissful harmony with their friends, then someone somewhere is suppressing how they truly feel in order to keep the peace. As a society – particularly here in England – we are conflict-averse and tend to let all manner of disagreements pass without comment, rather than face up to a discussion about them. While things might look OK on the surface, that leads to a lot of simmering tensions.

In your case, the things you’ve been willing to overlook in the past are starting to become more frequent or more obvious. That’s nature’s way of telling you that you need to look more deeply at what’s going on here and decide to set boundaries about what you find acceptable. Unless it’s something huge that you just can’t get past, I wouldn’t recommend taking your friend to task over the last incident, as there’s been a bit of a time lag since it occurred and it’s best to deal with these things when they are fresh.

From now on, really pay attention to how your friend interacts with you and, if a similar issue crops up, nip it in the bud. Simply say how you feel in the moment and ask her not to do it again. If you feel uncomfortable confronting her, you can soften the challenge by saying something like “It’s probably not what you intended, but when you said …, I felt …”. A good friendship can withstand plenty of these kinds of skirmishes, because we all have off days and moments of thoughtlessness. Having said that, if the same issue keeps recurring, despite having made your feelings known, it’s time to start looking for other friends.

Be prepared for the fact that your friend might be a little defensive when you raise the issue. That’s normal, as none of us are particularly adept at conflict resolution, but if she tries to invalidate your feelings by telling you that you’re wrong to feel that way, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. A healthy friendship can withstand a difference of opinion, but it will buckle under the strain of one person belittling the other.

Your friendships should be safe havens, places where you go to give and receive support. There are plenty of people in the world who are more than willing to make you feel lousy about yourself, so you certainly don’t need your friends to do that for you. A good friend sees you in all your glory, despite the fact that she knows all of your shortcomings, and yet she isn’t averse to letting you have the unvarnished truth if she knows it will be truly helpful. Even if she has to tell you a home truth, it will be done with kindness. Take that as a litmus test: if your friend is not being kind, then she’s not really being a friend.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

It's A Family Affair

Dear Coach Fabulous

I'm trying to take care of some unfinished business before I move into a new phase of my life and one of those tasks which keeps popping up is to forgive my cousin.

Last summer her boyfriend really insulted and threatened my mother in front of me and my partner. We were all very upset but have managed to forgive him, even though it made things very uncomfortable in the family, especially as he had told my cousin and Auntie that it was my mother's fault.

My cousin called me up shortly afterwards and asked me for 'my version' of the events. I told her that my version was exactly how it was – there was no other version! Anyway, I eventually told her to grow up and put the phone down on her. So, I'm finding it hard to forgive her for thinking that it was OK for him to insult my mother because he said it was her fault.

It was easier to forgive him, as I could see exactly why he would deny it. He doesn't know any better and he had a lot to lose, ie respect within the family, particularly my cousin’s parents. Now my cousin will not have anything to do with us. I haven’t tried to mend any fences, but my mother has sent Christmas and birthday gifts to her that have met with no acknowledgement or thanks.

How can I go about healing this particular wound and forgive my cousin wholeheartedly?

Harmony Hopeful


Dear Harmony Hopeful

I am going to take a wild guess and say that there was trouble in the camp long before the boyfriend took a verbal swipe at your mother. Family issues are so multilayered, it’s often difficult to ascertain when the hostilities really started, so a relatively minor incident can set off a powder keg of emotions. That’s not to say that what happened with your mother was minor, but the fact that you are finding it easier to forgive the perpetrator than your cousin shows that something deeper is at work here.

On a very basic level, it is a clear injustice and it is insulting to both you and your mother that your cousin will not accept your account of the events. In effect, she is calling you a liar by choosing to accept what her boyfriend is telling her. This, accompanied by your desire to protect your mother, is where the root of the issue lies. If you look back, there are probably quite a few instances where your relationship with your cousin has led you to feel unappreciated or disrespected, as storms don’t rise up out of clear blue sky. The clouds have been gathering for a while, but you’ve probably been ignoring them in an attempt to keep the relationship on an even keel.

When we settle for less than we are comfortable with in terms of respect within any kind of relationship, this sets up an internal dynamic of resentment that will explode at some point, no matter how hard we try to keep a lid on it. The relationship with your cousin is not an independent one like a friendship – where the emotions are more easily identified – as it is affected by the way your parents relate to each other too, so it is easier for resentments to build without you having much awareness of them. Also, if this is occurring within a family relationship, it’s also happening in other areas of your life, so it’s an issue you’ll want to take a long, hard look at.

Now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on the root cause of the issue, the task of forgiveness can become a little easier. As you realise that it’s not about forgiving a particular incident, but establishing a new pattern of relationship, then it becomes more comfortable to feel that you’re willing to overlook an incident in favour of developing that relationship.

First, don’t ask yourself to condone what occurred. Forgiveness is about choosing to look beyond behaviour in order to free yourself from the distress you still carry and to step into a new way of being with that person (if you so choose). In order to do this, it will help if you can see your cousin’s position with some compassion. For example, I suspect that she is very insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend or she would have been able to challenge him about the incident, rather than just accepting his version of events. You probably won’t have been the first person this insecurity has affected in a detrimental way and you probably won’t be the last. If her boyfriend behaves appallingly and she is always siding with him, she will be becoming increasingly isolated from her friends and family.

Second, decide what you want from now on. Do you simply want to choose to be released from the pain or go on to have a relationship with her? Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that we go on to recontact that person. Just because we have forgiven a behaviour doesn’t mean we necessarily want that person back in our lives. Think carefully about what you really want here.

One of the most simple and practical compassion practices is the Buddhist Metta meditation. Sit quietly and imagine your heart connecting to the vast heart of universal love. See an image of yourself sitting before you, think of all the qualities you appreciate about yourself and send that image a steady stream of love from your heart. Then bring into your mind an image of someone you really love and do the same. Follow that same process for someone you don’t know well at all. Then call up the image of a person you have difficulty with and offer the same love. Finish by sending love to all beings. The incantation that goes with each stage of the meditation is “May you dwell in the heart, may you be free from suffering, may you be healed, may you be whole, may you be at peace, may you be happy.” It is enough to simply use the imagery if you find that works for you.

When you feel at peace with the situation with your cousin and thinking of her brings no resentment, then that will be the time to contact her, if you choose to do so. I would recommend writing a letter that is totally free of blame, does not ask her to do anything and that simply says that you miss her and would love to have her back in your life again. You need to be detached from the outcome on this, as she may feel she has to choose her boyfriend over a renewed relationship with you, but it is also entirely possible that as you change your perspective about her, then miraculously so may she about you.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

The Guilt Trip

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have a bit of a dilemma with a friend of mine, who desperately wants me to accompany her to an expensive event so that she can use the opportunity to meet up with a man she fancies. Unfortunately, it’s not something I really want to go to and it will take days out of my schedule. I’ve tried saying that I couldn’t afford it – which is true – but now she’s bought me a ticket and I feel honour-bound to go. Even worse, I now feel like I should reimburse her for the cost of the ticket, especially as she’s been a very good friend to me lately in some troubled times. I don’t want to let her down, but this is now making me feel very uncomfortable. What should I do?

Girl Scout’s Honour


Dear Girl Scout’s Honour

First of all, this one’s a boundary issue and that’s probably an ongoing theme for you. At the very least, this particular problem will highlight an area that you need to put some attention on, to help you avoid putting yourself in even more of these kinds of situations. If a good friend asks you to do something you’re not interested in or not comfortable with from a financial point of view, it’s perfectly reasonable to say no. The fundamental issue here is that you have put your friend’s needs way ahead of your own, so much so that you are going to spend days doing something you don’t like and pay through the nose for the privilege. There’s something wrong with that picture, don’t you think?

She may be a close and supportive friend, but it still doesn’t give her the right to overstep your boundaries and push you into doing something you’re clearly not happy with. The support that we give to others needs to fall within our own personal comfort zone of what we’re willing to offer or it becomes sacrifice. When you’re in sacrifice mode, anything you do will eventually engender resentment because you’re compromising yourself as part of the bargain. That’s never going to feel good.

You could do with some practice saying ‘no’. Start small and, where necessary, take time out before agreeing anything. It’s much harder to do when you’re caught on the hop, so – as a rule of thumb – try not to say yes to anything without allowing yourself time to think about it. This will get you more in touch with your own feelings about what you’re being asked to do and move you out of automatic people-pleaser mode. There’s a fine line between offering heartfelt support and the disease to please that comes at your own expense, so this should help you to err on the side of caution. Ultimately sacrificial behaviour helps no-one, as it erodes your self-esteem, builds resentment, doesn’t set clear boundaries and allows others to continue to perpetrate selfish or thoughtless behaviour. Most importantly, you need to ask yourself why your friend’s priorities are more important than your own. You’re obviously a giving person, so rest assured that it’s not unkind to be clear about the kind of support you’re willing to give and the kind you’re not.

For this particular problem, you are in a bit of a bind. You will need to honour the commitment of attending, as you had said you would – even though you were railroaded into it. Just take it as a useful lesson in how unclear boundaries can get you into hot water and commit yourself to saying ‘no’ sooner and more forcefully in future. Being browbeaten into doing something is not acceptable, regardless of the support you have received from your friend. Friendship is not a licence to manipulate others. If you recall just how much support you have offered to that same friend in the past, I’m sure the balance would be pretty much equal (if not way in your favour as the giving one). On a practical note, although you have agreed to attend, you can certainly re-negotiate the period of time you actually spend at the event. There’s only so much time she can spend flirting with this guy, so be the companion who enables her to do a bit of that and then move on. Don’t just stick it out feeling miserable and resentful. Reclaim some personal power in this situation and do only as much as feels appropriate to fulfil your agreement.

Finally, on the financial aspect, just drop the guilt. You’ve been manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do and can’t afford, that will take several days out of your life and leave you feeling like a gooseberry while your friend flirts for Britain, so why exactly do you feel you have to add insult to injury and pay for it as well? You’re doing her a favour, not the other way around. Don’t even go there!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

All By Myself

Dear Coach Fabulous

I'm on the verge of a major emotional breakthrough. I have a deep fear of abandonment and am in the middle of my worst nightmare. Everyone seems to have abandoned me in my hour of need (the ending of a 7-year relationship) and those that haven't, I'm pushing away.

In spite of the pain, I feel quite detached and feel as I am watching from a distance. I know I am the only player in this game the universe has thrown at me but I'm not sure of the rules!

How do I play?

Solitaire

Dear Solitaire

I’m going to have to go with the wise words of the Rolling Stones on this one. As they memorably sang, “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need”. While it may be feeling so hard to face this on your own, try to trust that this dark night of the soul has a purpose. As you have said, you’re sensing that a breakthrough is imminent and so it will hopefully be easier for you to understand that we sometimes find ourselves isolated from others with the express purpose of learning to get in touch with our own emotions and wisdom. It’s obviously a watershed time for you, bringing enormous change. Rest assured that the changes you are going through, while painful, are going to bring you a level of emotional freedom and self-mastery that you cannot currently envisage. On the other side of this crisis lies a whole new life that is far more expressive of who you really are.

Your fear of abandonment will have kept you in circumstances that were no longer good for you for far longer than was necessary or even bearable. This period of enforced solitude is allowing you to see more deeply into your own fearful patterns of behaviour and recognise how much they can undermine your self-confidence, making it nigh on impossible to move forward and create the life you would wish for yourself. Yet, here you are, learning to face the loss and changes that you most fear, now that life has conspired to give you that push. Take a deep breath and gather your courage, because now is the time to face those fears head on. You can’t avoid them, so the only way out is through.

What will get you through this is a sense of purpose. You cannot change the outcome of the breakdown of your relationship, but you can choose to believe that there is a new life awaiting you when you’ve worked through the emotional pain. In the midst of crisis, we tend to assume it will go on forever, and develop the habit of ‘awful-ising’, ie projecting a negative circumstance way out into the future. This is one habit you simply cannot afford to indulge, at any cost. Instead, trust the understanding of the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, who said, “What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.” When you begin to go down the road of terrifying yourself with horror stories that you’re creating about your future, hold on to the image of that butterfly.

To work through the emotional pain, try to use that detachment that you’re cultivating to notice what is real pain and what is blame or self-attack. The real pain is the true sadness and grief that you need to feel and that is totally appropriate for your circumstances. The false pain is what you tell yourself those circumstances mean about you, for example beating yourself up about things that you could not possibly have changed or believing that the breakdown of the relationship means you’re not worth loving. Be very clear about giving airtime only to real pain and not the false pain that has no basis in reality.

While solitude is a powerful place in which to work through emotional issues, it isn’t meant to be a full-time job. Even if you can’t get the kind of emotional support from people that you may have wanted, you can still get together with friends or family for a bit of light relief. The tough times show us that life is bitter-sweet and that sadness and joy can – and do – co-exist. With detachment it is possible to be truly present with your pain without allowing it to blight your entire life. It won’t always be easy to remember that, but give yourself the gift of a day off every now and then.

You will come out of this stronger and happier. Hold fast to that thought and don’t try to fight where you are right now. When you’re having a bad day, be accepting of that. When you need some comfort, make sure you treat yourself kindly. Don’t forget to ask for help, as sometimes people just don’t know what to say or do in the presence of someone else’s pain, but will happily be there for you if you are clear about the kind of support that you need.

Keep trusting in a deeper purpose and brighter future to help you find your way through the darker days. This is your chance to build your life anew, so don’t let fear hold you back from making bold choices. You’ve lost your safety net anyway, so you might as well just leap!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter