Women On The Verge Of A Friendship Breakdown

Dear Coach Fabulous

Sometimes I feel that one of my close girlfriends puts me down. Just recently she really hurt my feelings when I needed her support. Usually, I'll take the comment and feel bad about myself, but is this what friendship is about?

Somewhat Slightly Dazed

Dear Somewhat Slightly Dazed

I’m pretty much taking this as a rhetorical question. Let’s face it, we all know that’s not what friendship is about. However, it is indicative of the little flare-ups we encounter in friendships and so the question you need to ask yourself is whether this is a temporary glitch or part of an ongoing downward spiral. If you look dispassionately at your friendship, is this an occasional lapse in an otherwise supportive relationship or is it symptomatic of how you have come to relate to each other?

No friendship is immune from the odd bout of ruffled feathers. Our beliefs, opinions, attitudes and standards are all so different that it’s unrealistic to expect to always remain in total agreement. Quite frankly, if anyone thinks they are perpetually in blissful harmony with their friends, then someone somewhere is suppressing how they truly feel in order to keep the peace. As a society – particularly here in England – we are conflict-averse and tend to let all manner of disagreements pass without comment, rather than face up to a discussion about them. While things might look OK on the surface, that leads to a lot of simmering tensions.

In your case, the things you’ve been willing to overlook in the past are starting to become more frequent or more obvious. That’s nature’s way of telling you that you need to look more deeply at what’s going on here and decide to set boundaries about what you find acceptable. Unless it’s something huge that you just can’t get past, I wouldn’t recommend taking your friend to task over the last incident, as there’s been a bit of a time lag since it occurred and it’s best to deal with these things when they are fresh.

From now on, really pay attention to how your friend interacts with you and, if a similar issue crops up, nip it in the bud. Simply say how you feel in the moment and ask her not to do it again. If you feel uncomfortable confronting her, you can soften the challenge by saying something like “It’s probably not what you intended, but when you said …, I felt …”. A good friendship can withstand plenty of these kinds of skirmishes, because we all have off days and moments of thoughtlessness. Having said that, if the same issue keeps recurring, despite having made your feelings known, it’s time to start looking for other friends.

Be prepared for the fact that your friend might be a little defensive when you raise the issue. That’s normal, as none of us are particularly adept at conflict resolution, but if she tries to invalidate your feelings by telling you that you’re wrong to feel that way, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. A healthy friendship can withstand a difference of opinion, but it will buckle under the strain of one person belittling the other.

Your friendships should be safe havens, places where you go to give and receive support. There are plenty of people in the world who are more than willing to make you feel lousy about yourself, so you certainly don’t need your friends to do that for you. A good friend sees you in all your glory, despite the fact that she knows all of your shortcomings, and yet she isn’t averse to letting you have the unvarnished truth if she knows it will be truly helpful. Even if she has to tell you a home truth, it will be done with kindness. Take that as a litmus test: if your friend is not being kind, then she’s not really being a friend.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter