One Way Or Another

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have the feeling that whatever I do I will have to hurt someone. I feel that for me personally I need to relocate back to my home town where my family lives, however I have had a longstanding relationship for some three years now and although it is not all bad I cannot shed my desire to be back home. I have tried to talk to my partner but he has never been able to talk about this with me. There have been ultimatums, threats, partings but we never get around to any kind of a solution. Now he is recovering from a major illness and isn't actually able to discuss anything. I feel my time is running out - I am so unhappy because I feel that I am putting everyone's needs before my own. I want to see him through this bad patch and then go home. We did agree to go for counselling but again, this is something that was agreed to and then not arranged and I guess that would reflect my own ambivalence as much as his.I am so stuck. I feel I really need space to make this decision, unfortunately with him so ill I don't see how I can right now.

Isolated and Increasingly Depressed


Dear Isolated and Increasingly Depressed

What’s coming through strongly in your question is that you feel that you only have two choices – and both of them involve some form of sacrifice. The good news is that there’s always another way to look at any situation, however limited you feel your choices may be.

Firstly, it will help you to look at the deeper reasons why you feel the strong pull to return to your home town. It’s not just about your family – there are qualities that you’re seeking such as more support, familiarity or a new start that the move home represents. This is a time to be very honest with yourself about what that move really means to you. You also might want to look at whether moving could be a form of escape from the problems you’re encountering in your relationship, rather than a real need to return.

Because you’ve been feeling depressed, just thinking about it isn’t enough, as that will just follow the tracks your mind has already established. Get creative with some coloured pens and a journal and make this a fun opportunity to gain clarity. Make lists, draw pictures or use colour to illustrate how you feel about being where you are now and what you think you’d get from moving home. Do not skip this step – writing it down will help you to clear your thoughts and get out of your ingrained thought patterns.

When you’re clear about what you really need, then it’s time to take a look at how well (or badly) those needs are being met in your relationship, your work and in the friendships you currently have. While doing this, make it a ruthless inventory – be very honest with yourself and forget about being charitable – and be very clear on what’s working and what’s not.

Then take a fresh look at how you might make changes right where you are now. What opportunities exist for you to connect more deeply with the people around you and find more support? What else could you bring into your life to help you feel more fulfilled? This will require some creative thinking and a willingness to see possibilities you’ve previously ignored or felt weren’t possible. Challenge yourself to find ways to improve your life in the smallest of ways. Find immediate opportunities to lift your mood: walk outdoors, get a massage, go dancing, see a fun film with friends. Get time away if you can. Your best thinking cannot be done in a flat, uninspired state of mind.

When you’re feeling a little more uplifted, get your journal out again and look at what’s really going on in your relationship. It’s clear that you don’t feel heard and that you feel that you have to sacrifice your needs in the relationship as it stands, even to the point where you feel you don’t have the right to discuss your feelings about wanting to move away because your partner is ill. You need to make the choice to make yourself and your wellbeing a priority and stay focused on your commitment to building a life that you enjoy, with all the support you need. Forget ultimatums and try a much more open and engaging tactic with your partner. Be honest about how you feel and let him know that you don’t have all the answers. Enlist his support in exploring options that would benefit the both of you, either where you are or back in your home town. Let him know how much you care and that you want to make it work, but that cannot come at the expense of your own life.

Of course, your own inner enquiries may show you that perhaps this relationship is not enough to hold you where you are, but at least give yourself the gift of knowing that you have tried to honour yourself and give fully to the relationship at the same time. If that can’t be done, then you can move on with a clear conscience, knowing you are making the right decision.

When you get down to the nitty-gritty of ultimate decision-making, use the visualisation of walking down each of the paths as described in the earlier Coach Fabulous dialogue, Spoiled For Choice. It will help you to feel into each option, giving you a stronger sense of the impact the choice will have. You can also use it to gauge timing too, by asking yourself how it would feel to make the decision or move now or in a few months’ time and so on.

That you’re feeling depressed is a sign that you’ve lost hope of finding an answer to a dilemma, but its underlying purpose is to make your life so uncomfortable that you will be forced to take a stand. It’s time to believe that your life counts, that what you feel and need is important and that you can be supported in making that a reality. It’s time to believe in yourself and to reach out and connect more fully in all your relationships. If you’re willing to make that commitment to yourself, then this situation could resolve itself peacefully in ways you’d never imagined.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter