Stuck In The Middle
Dear Coach Fabulous
I am trying to shed my family role as mediator and all things to all people. I realise I enjoy the role, but I’m compromising my relationship and my energy. I fight everyone else's corner, usually without them even knowing, but no-one fights mine.
I am finding it hard to find my parameters here. How much should I let go of this worthy role? Should I let them all fend for themselves once and for all and let them feel the full force of each other's (usually unjust) wrath?
Persephone
Dear Persephone
It’s appropriate that you chose that pseudonym, as Persephone herself was trapped in a cycle of dysfunctional family dynamics. If you recall the Greek myth, she was abducted by the God of the Underworld and forced to remain there in the darkness for part of the year, mourned by her mother the harvest goddess Demeter, who refuses to let anything grow in the winter months when Persephone is with Hades. It’s the perfect metaphor for how we lose our own vitality when we are trapped in a role that no longer serves us.
Your own story is one of service and sacrifice and learning how to be truly helpful, not only to others, but to yourself. When you are in service, giving assistance freely and joyfully, then that energy is multiplied and you will feel uplifted by your interactions with others. When you are in sacrifice, acting out of duty or guilt, then equally that energy expands and you find yourself feeling exhausted and depleted. Apart from the effect on you, in a sacrificial role you aren’t actually helping others, you’re simply enabling them to carry on in the same vein. Without your intervention to keep the peace, your family members would have to find their own equilibrium with each other.
This dynamic undoubtedly extends beyond your family and must be affecting other areas of your life. It seems that quite early on you have taken on the role of mediator and placator, which will make it hard for you to define your own boundaries and be willing to stand up for yourself. So much of your energy is going into supporting others that there is very little available for you. Contrary to the messages many of us have internalised from early on in life, taking care of yourself is not selfish. If you fail to nourish yourself, you won’t be well enough or have enough energy to help anyone else anyway. The sooner you overcome an over-developed sense of “it’s better to give than receive” and begin to take care of your own energy, the sooner you will have the vitality and the awareness to be truly helpful to others, rather than giving in to that knee-jerk reaction to save them from themselves. That’s called rescuing, not helping.
Breaking this cycle will take some getting used to, so be gentle with yourself as you do. Your intentions have been good, wanting to care for others, but in doing so you have undermined yourself. Part of your identity is now wrapped up in your ability to keep the peace. That’s a great talent to have, being able to defuse difficult circumstances, but it doesn’t need to be a habit, especially at your own expense. Use it wisely and become aware of how you naturally slip into this role.
To change the habit of a lifetime, sometimes you need to exchange one way of behaving for another, until the triggers cease to set you off. I’d suggest thinking of some new habit you could cultivate, that is beneficial to you, to be used whenever the same old dynamics arise. That might be as simple as going for a walk, changing the subject or taking some quiet time to yourself. There’s no need to make it hard for yourself and stay in the line of fire in the early days. Over time you will learn to be in the same circumstance and simply let it pass by without affecting you, but initially getting out of the way will be the easiest way to effect a change.
This doesn’t mean avoiding standing up for yourself, but simply not engaging in other people’s hostilities unnecessarily. A good rule of thumb to check your own motivation when facing this issue is to notice how you feel when the circumstance arises. If you feel positive about intervening and that stepping in can be truly helpful, go ahead, but if the emotions are all about duty and guilt and feeling like you have to, then step well away. Chances are that you are just helping to perpetuate a cycle of dysfunctional relating and that you are in sacrifice.
A final thought – your worthiness is not tied up with doing worthy things. Who you are is enough. You’re fabulous in your own right and you don’t need to earn other people’s love and approval. If you fill your life with a commitment to being the real you and treating yourself with respect, your good will naturally overflow to others. You won’t need to try to make that happen. And you’ll be full of energy and happy to use your mediation skills where they can be truly useful.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
I am trying to shed my family role as mediator and all things to all people. I realise I enjoy the role, but I’m compromising my relationship and my energy. I fight everyone else's corner, usually without them even knowing, but no-one fights mine.
I am finding it hard to find my parameters here. How much should I let go of this worthy role? Should I let them all fend for themselves once and for all and let them feel the full force of each other's (usually unjust) wrath?
Persephone
Dear Persephone
It’s appropriate that you chose that pseudonym, as Persephone herself was trapped in a cycle of dysfunctional family dynamics. If you recall the Greek myth, she was abducted by the God of the Underworld and forced to remain there in the darkness for part of the year, mourned by her mother the harvest goddess Demeter, who refuses to let anything grow in the winter months when Persephone is with Hades. It’s the perfect metaphor for how we lose our own vitality when we are trapped in a role that no longer serves us.
Your own story is one of service and sacrifice and learning how to be truly helpful, not only to others, but to yourself. When you are in service, giving assistance freely and joyfully, then that energy is multiplied and you will feel uplifted by your interactions with others. When you are in sacrifice, acting out of duty or guilt, then equally that energy expands and you find yourself feeling exhausted and depleted. Apart from the effect on you, in a sacrificial role you aren’t actually helping others, you’re simply enabling them to carry on in the same vein. Without your intervention to keep the peace, your family members would have to find their own equilibrium with each other.
This dynamic undoubtedly extends beyond your family and must be affecting other areas of your life. It seems that quite early on you have taken on the role of mediator and placator, which will make it hard for you to define your own boundaries and be willing to stand up for yourself. So much of your energy is going into supporting others that there is very little available for you. Contrary to the messages many of us have internalised from early on in life, taking care of yourself is not selfish. If you fail to nourish yourself, you won’t be well enough or have enough energy to help anyone else anyway. The sooner you overcome an over-developed sense of “it’s better to give than receive” and begin to take care of your own energy, the sooner you will have the vitality and the awareness to be truly helpful to others, rather than giving in to that knee-jerk reaction to save them from themselves. That’s called rescuing, not helping.
Breaking this cycle will take some getting used to, so be gentle with yourself as you do. Your intentions have been good, wanting to care for others, but in doing so you have undermined yourself. Part of your identity is now wrapped up in your ability to keep the peace. That’s a great talent to have, being able to defuse difficult circumstances, but it doesn’t need to be a habit, especially at your own expense. Use it wisely and become aware of how you naturally slip into this role.
To change the habit of a lifetime, sometimes you need to exchange one way of behaving for another, until the triggers cease to set you off. I’d suggest thinking of some new habit you could cultivate, that is beneficial to you, to be used whenever the same old dynamics arise. That might be as simple as going for a walk, changing the subject or taking some quiet time to yourself. There’s no need to make it hard for yourself and stay in the line of fire in the early days. Over time you will learn to be in the same circumstance and simply let it pass by without affecting you, but initially getting out of the way will be the easiest way to effect a change.
This doesn’t mean avoiding standing up for yourself, but simply not engaging in other people’s hostilities unnecessarily. A good rule of thumb to check your own motivation when facing this issue is to notice how you feel when the circumstance arises. If you feel positive about intervening and that stepping in can be truly helpful, go ahead, but if the emotions are all about duty and guilt and feeling like you have to, then step well away. Chances are that you are just helping to perpetuate a cycle of dysfunctional relating and that you are in sacrifice.
A final thought – your worthiness is not tied up with doing worthy things. Who you are is enough. You’re fabulous in your own right and you don’t need to earn other people’s love and approval. If you fill your life with a commitment to being the real you and treating yourself with respect, your good will naturally overflow to others. You won’t need to try to make that happen. And you’ll be full of energy and happy to use your mediation skills where they can be truly useful.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
posted by Coach Fabulous at 1:16 pm
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