You Shall Go To The Ball
Dear Coach Fabulous
People say nice things to me and give me positive feedback but somehow the good stuff just doesn't stick. Before I know it I am back to seeing the inadequacies and negative things in myself. Why does the negative stuff stick and the positive disappear all too quickly?
Cinderella
Dear Cinderella
It’s about learning to treat yourself in a kinder way. Compliments and appreciation from others will just disappear in an overwhelming tide of self-criticism if you’re not paying attention to making your internal dialogue a positive one.
From our earliest years we make decisions about life and how to take care of ourselves based on the responses we get from others. Unfortunately very few of the authority figures we encounter (parents, teachers, managers) know how to help us learn through positive feedback, so the kinds of voices that we tend to internalise are punitive ones. As we take on board their responses to us and develop coping strategies for life, we create an internalised voice or ‘inner judge’ that aims to protect us and keep us on the straight and narrow. Before you know it, this inner voice of self-correction runs riot and you become your own harshest critic. Your internal voice is the Ugly Stepsister of self-attack, always telling you that you’re wrong, unattractive and definitely not good enough to go to the ball.
So how do you shut her up? It’s easier than you think. The Ugly Stepsister is empowered by attention. She’s a part of your personality, so fighting her and telling her that she’s wrong is just going to lead to more self-attack and make that sense of inadequacy even stronger. This is one you have to love into submission. When that voice rises up, thank it for sharing and get on with something else, like reminding yourself of a recent success or compliment. Try having a laugh at just how ludicrous those critical thoughts can be if you imagine them being voiced by an Ugly Stepsister who looks like a pantomime dame – this will take the charge out of them and help you to see that it’s not reality, just an old way of coping that no longer serves you.
Most importantly, just get in the habit of observing the quality of your internal dialogue. How you talk to yourself affects how you feel and how others feel about you. Nothing destroys your self-confidence faster than the voice of self-attack.
To do some deeper work on transforming the ‘inner judge’, you can also do a simple meditation to open a dialogue with this sub-personality. Try getting quiet for a few minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine that it’s sitting in front of you, ready for a chat. Just let it appear in whatever form first arises. For some people it will appear as a person, for others it can be an animal or a cartoon character. Go with whatever works for you – if you like the Ugly Stepsister imagery, use that. Start talking to it and ask what it’s trying to do for you. When you know what it thinks its job is, thank it for all its effort and ask if it’s willing to help you in another way. Tell it what you’d like to create in your life and ask if it would like to be a part of that. Give it a new job that will assist you in a positive way.
This could be anything that appeals to the vigilant nature of this sub-personality and helps you in achieving your goal, for example letting you know when you’re overdoing it and need to take a break. When you’re done, thank it for its help and gently return your attention to the room. It sounds deceptively simple, but this sub-personality work can be very powerful. The more lovingly you treat yourself (and your sub-personalities), the happier and more confident you will be.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter.
People say nice things to me and give me positive feedback but somehow the good stuff just doesn't stick. Before I know it I am back to seeing the inadequacies and negative things in myself. Why does the negative stuff stick and the positive disappear all too quickly?
Cinderella
Dear Cinderella
It’s about learning to treat yourself in a kinder way. Compliments and appreciation from others will just disappear in an overwhelming tide of self-criticism if you’re not paying attention to making your internal dialogue a positive one.
From our earliest years we make decisions about life and how to take care of ourselves based on the responses we get from others. Unfortunately very few of the authority figures we encounter (parents, teachers, managers) know how to help us learn through positive feedback, so the kinds of voices that we tend to internalise are punitive ones. As we take on board their responses to us and develop coping strategies for life, we create an internalised voice or ‘inner judge’ that aims to protect us and keep us on the straight and narrow. Before you know it, this inner voice of self-correction runs riot and you become your own harshest critic. Your internal voice is the Ugly Stepsister of self-attack, always telling you that you’re wrong, unattractive and definitely not good enough to go to the ball.
So how do you shut her up? It’s easier than you think. The Ugly Stepsister is empowered by attention. She’s a part of your personality, so fighting her and telling her that she’s wrong is just going to lead to more self-attack and make that sense of inadequacy even stronger. This is one you have to love into submission. When that voice rises up, thank it for sharing and get on with something else, like reminding yourself of a recent success or compliment. Try having a laugh at just how ludicrous those critical thoughts can be if you imagine them being voiced by an Ugly Stepsister who looks like a pantomime dame – this will take the charge out of them and help you to see that it’s not reality, just an old way of coping that no longer serves you.
Most importantly, just get in the habit of observing the quality of your internal dialogue. How you talk to yourself affects how you feel and how others feel about you. Nothing destroys your self-confidence faster than the voice of self-attack.
To do some deeper work on transforming the ‘inner judge’, you can also do a simple meditation to open a dialogue with this sub-personality. Try getting quiet for a few minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine that it’s sitting in front of you, ready for a chat. Just let it appear in whatever form first arises. For some people it will appear as a person, for others it can be an animal or a cartoon character. Go with whatever works for you – if you like the Ugly Stepsister imagery, use that. Start talking to it and ask what it’s trying to do for you. When you know what it thinks its job is, thank it for all its effort and ask if it’s willing to help you in another way. Tell it what you’d like to create in your life and ask if it would like to be a part of that. Give it a new job that will assist you in a positive way.
This could be anything that appeals to the vigilant nature of this sub-personality and helps you in achieving your goal, for example letting you know when you’re overdoing it and need to take a break. When you’re done, thank it for its help and gently return your attention to the room. It sounds deceptively simple, but this sub-personality work can be very powerful. The more lovingly you treat yourself (and your sub-personalities), the happier and more confident you will be.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter.
posted by Coach Fabulous at 5:53 pm
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