Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have been doing some work on what I should do next with my life and find myself in the position where I know what the next step should be, but every time I try to take it something happens. I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years with someone who on the surface appears to be sweet, if a little set in his ways, sociable, intelligent and having a lot in common with myself. There is however another side to him which I have discovered over time which is an addiction to sex on the internet, and hard drinking which leaves him disabled for days and creates havoc in his life - as he does and says things which are plain nasty. I had hoped that over time, his stated intention to move into a new way of life would prevail and indeed he has recently taken some steps in a better direction but the same problems continue and I find I am personally sickened by the internet stuff in particular. We have discussed counselling but he has agreed and then reneged on that, now he is putting pressure on me to get involved with him financially which given the circumstances I cannot even consider.I think practically I should move away from him, but there is a fear of what he will do to himself if I do that. Part of me feels that in the end he will motivate himself to move forward, part of me fears he will end up in a mental hospital.People advise me that I should leave him, and indeed it is the most sensible thing to do, but what has kept me going through all of this is the belief that there is something more to him. However the recent things I have discovered (which are not run of the mill at all) have left me too cold sexually to be able to continue with a part of our lives which always, despite other problems, had worked in the past. I wonder if this is the final nail in the coffin. I have suggested sex counselling but he is so embarrassed when found out that he won't or if he agrees then he changes his mind the next day. I know he is also depressed - but again, he prefers alcohol as medication - against medical advice. Where do I begin?

Stuck on Him

Dear Stuck on Him

How bad does it have to get? The first thing you have to ask yourself is: Why am I willing to stay stuck in a relationship that gives me so little and disrespects me in so many ways? Interestingly, the opening sentence of your question was about you and the next step you want to take, but the rest is all about him. You barely get a look-in.

If a friend told this story to you, you know what your advice would be – and it wouldn’t include signing up for more of this, for sure. I’m hoping that seeing it all in black and white will give you a bit of a wake-up call, to help you see how little you are invested in your own life. Your partner is not the issue here – you are.

Relationships are very complex and it’s always easy for an outsider to say, as your friends have done, that it’s time to go. But you’re the one who has to get it. You’re the one who has to realise that your life is worth more than just caretaking someone who is out of control and has no wish or will to remedy that. Two themes are bubbling up here: one is that you are in love with the potential of your partner, not the reality, and the other is that you are practising some form of rescuing. A part of you clearly enjoys taking care of the bird with the broken wing, but this is at the expense of your own life.

When these themes are at work in our lives, we are essentially preventing ourselves from having healthier relationships, because we’ve cast ourselves in a particular role. You are getting some of your self-worth and self-esteem from helping this man in a martyr-like role and from seeing him as he could be, rather than how he is. It’s a wonderful gift to be able to hold a vision of someone else’s potential when they can’t see it for themselves, but if it means tolerating destructive behaviour in reality, then you are simply enabling them to stay stuck. You aren’t actually helping.

How you move forward from here is all about you and very little about him. You need to make some deep inner inquiry into your past relationships and look at the kinds of themes that emerge. Underneath these kinds of experiences lies a deep-seated form of self-loathing, a part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve anything better. You may consciously think that you do, but on an emotional level you don’t believe it to be true. Really be honest about how much you like yourself and how genuine your commitment is to making a better life for yourself.

There is plenty of material on I Am Fabulous to help you learn to like and ultimately love yourself for who you are, but in addition I would recommend the work of Chuck Spezzano, particularly If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love, to help you begin to understand the kind of role you have cast yourself in and to unravel those complex emotions.

What you need to take from this is that you are not responsible for anyone other than yourself. Your partner makes the choices he makes and you decide if you are willing to be around someone who behaves like that. If you’re not, you need to instigate consequences for his behaviour or his lack of action and be willing to carry them through. You need to know what your limits are, what you’re willing to tolerate and where you’re going to draw the line. This is not about controlling him or forcing him to change, but making a statement to yourself that you are committed to a better life. If he is not willing to accommodate the changes you’re making in your own life, then get out of the line of fire. You do not need to put up with his self-destruction or to try to prevent him from doing it. That’s his choice and you should be a lot more interested in what’s going on in your life than in his.

When you’re getting dragged off course by other people’s dramas it may look like it’s someone else’s fault that you’re not getting on with your own life, but that’s a total smokescreen. It’s really your own fear of striking out on your own, masquerading as rescuing, that’s at work here. Getting so tied up in your partner’s life gives you the perfect excuse not to move forward, and – even better – gives you someone else to blame for it. Don’t use this awareness to beat yourself up, just to recognise how true it might be for you and to take the steps necessary to get your focus off other people and into your own life. From a full life of your own, you will have so much more to offer others than sacrifice and guilt. You can be an inspiration to them to get on with their own.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter