Mad About The Boy

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m newly single and a little nervous at being back on the dating scene. What’s bothering me most is that I find myself obsessing about almost every man I date, wondering if he’s going to be ‘the one’. When it doesn’t turn out that way, I’m deeply disappointed and become quite depressed. How can I stop myself from reacting so intensely and learn to give new relationships the breathing space to develop at their own pace?

Coming On Strong

Dear Coming On Strong

First of all, the big clue is that you are newly single. This is a part of your life that you can really enjoy, if you’re willing to see it as a period of self-discovery, rather than a fast-track race to hitch yourself up with another partner in the shortest possible time-frame. It sounds like your sense of self probably took a bit of a knock in your last relationship, which is why you’re in kind of a hurry to find some stability again, but leaping into another serious relationship is exactly what you don’t need right now.

You’re only going to pick the right partner for yourself if you know who you are. The fact that you’re imagining yourself into probable futures with people you hardly know just shows that your frame of questioning is out of kilter. The main issue isn’t whether or not they want to be with you, but are they the right fit for you and your life? You weaken your own sense of self-worth when you base your happiness on other people’s acceptance or rejection. This is why you become depressed when relationships don’t work out, because you are placing yourself at the mercy of someone else’s choice, feeling validated if they choose you and not if they don’t. That’s a very exposed place to be, so it’s no wonder you’re feeling vulnerable.

Of course you want to be excited about the prospect of another relationship, but when you cross the line from natural anticipation to being totally invested in every date turning into something more serious, then you have created your own personal cross to bear. You’ll need to cultivate a little detachment that will allow you to feel the excitement without being utterly invested in the outcome. Catch yourself when you’re starting to imagine potential futures and draw your attention back to the present moment, where it’s all still very much an unknown quantity. Learn to enjoy the anticipation without trying to nail it all down right away.

My best advice to you right now would be to date up a storm. Forget trying to secure a relationship, just get on with the business of having fun and noticing what each particular person brings out in you – treat it like a graduate course in self-knowledge that just happens to have lots of hunky dudes on the curriculum. Each person will show you something different about yourself, so make an effort to go out with men who are a real change from previous partners and not necessarily your first, automatic choice. This could be such an exciting and joyful time for you, as you get to know what’s important to you, what makes your heart sing and what makes you feel good about yourself.

If you find yourself going down the obsessive and insecure ‘Does he want me?’ route, then just learn to notice it, laugh at it and move swiftly on to the more pertinent question of ‘Do I want him?’. Nothing is more attractive than self-confidence and there is absolutely nothing in the universe more repellent than neediness. We’re all very intuitive beings, whether we choose to admit it or not. We can sense another’s neediness and – because we know it is a form of desperation that has very little to do with desiring us in particular – we will all run a mile when we sense that blip on the radar. So, an intense desire to find a relationship is a literally repulsive energy, pushing away the person you are trying to attract.

If you keep your intention on having a good time, learning about yourself and getting to know some interesting new people, a healthy relationship will naturally evolve from that as a by-product. If you focus on getting a relationship with an intense and needy energy, all you’ll get is heartache and a persistently worsening sense of self-worth. So, from now on, pay a lot of attention to how you feel when you’re around different prospective partners. Do you feel relaxed around them, supported, challenged, or inspired? Notice the qualities that you most admire in them and pay as much attention to what they admire in you. When you can see your own value, you can make wise choices and genuinely enjoy the process of finding the right partner.

Get your glad rags on and get out there and have fun. Let them see how fabulous you are and how lucky they’d be to have you. Make dating the kind of game you like to play because it’s an adventure, not a sprint to the finish line. Bonne chasse … happy hunting!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter