It's A Family Affair
Dear Coach Fabulous
I'm trying to take care of some unfinished business before I move into a new phase of my life and one of those tasks which keeps popping up is to forgive my cousin.
Last summer her boyfriend really insulted and threatened my mother in front of me and my partner. We were all very upset but have managed to forgive him, even though it made things very uncomfortable in the family, especially as he had told my cousin and Auntie that it was my mother's fault.
My cousin called me up shortly afterwards and asked me for 'my version' of the events. I told her that my version was exactly how it was – there was no other version! Anyway, I eventually told her to grow up and put the phone down on her. So, I'm finding it hard to forgive her for thinking that it was OK for him to insult my mother because he said it was her fault.
It was easier to forgive him, as I could see exactly why he would deny it. He doesn't know any better and he had a lot to lose, ie respect within the family, particularly my cousin’s parents. Now my cousin will not have anything to do with us. I haven’t tried to mend any fences, but my mother has sent Christmas and birthday gifts to her that have met with no acknowledgement or thanks.
How can I go about healing this particular wound and forgive my cousin wholeheartedly?
Harmony Hopeful
Dear Harmony Hopeful
I am going to take a wild guess and say that there was trouble in the camp long before the boyfriend took a verbal swipe at your mother. Family issues are so multilayered, it’s often difficult to ascertain when the hostilities really started, so a relatively minor incident can set off a powder keg of emotions. That’s not to say that what happened with your mother was minor, but the fact that you are finding it easier to forgive the perpetrator than your cousin shows that something deeper is at work here.
On a very basic level, it is a clear injustice and it is insulting to both you and your mother that your cousin will not accept your account of the events. In effect, she is calling you a liar by choosing to accept what her boyfriend is telling her. This, accompanied by your desire to protect your mother, is where the root of the issue lies. If you look back, there are probably quite a few instances where your relationship with your cousin has led you to feel unappreciated or disrespected, as storms don’t rise up out of clear blue sky. The clouds have been gathering for a while, but you’ve probably been ignoring them in an attempt to keep the relationship on an even keel.
When we settle for less than we are comfortable with in terms of respect within any kind of relationship, this sets up an internal dynamic of resentment that will explode at some point, no matter how hard we try to keep a lid on it. The relationship with your cousin is not an independent one like a friendship – where the emotions are more easily identified – as it is affected by the way your parents relate to each other too, so it is easier for resentments to build without you having much awareness of them. Also, if this is occurring within a family relationship, it’s also happening in other areas of your life, so it’s an issue you’ll want to take a long, hard look at.
Now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on the root cause of the issue, the task of forgiveness can become a little easier. As you realise that it’s not about forgiving a particular incident, but establishing a new pattern of relationship, then it becomes more comfortable to feel that you’re willing to overlook an incident in favour of developing that relationship.
First, don’t ask yourself to condone what occurred. Forgiveness is about choosing to look beyond behaviour in order to free yourself from the distress you still carry and to step into a new way of being with that person (if you so choose). In order to do this, it will help if you can see your cousin’s position with some compassion. For example, I suspect that she is very insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend or she would have been able to challenge him about the incident, rather than just accepting his version of events. You probably won’t have been the first person this insecurity has affected in a detrimental way and you probably won’t be the last. If her boyfriend behaves appallingly and she is always siding with him, she will be becoming increasingly isolated from her friends and family.
Second, decide what you want from now on. Do you simply want to choose to be released from the pain or go on to have a relationship with her? Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that we go on to recontact that person. Just because we have forgiven a behaviour doesn’t mean we necessarily want that person back in our lives. Think carefully about what you really want here.
One of the most simple and practical compassion practices is the Buddhist Metta meditation. Sit quietly and imagine your heart connecting to the vast heart of universal love. See an image of yourself sitting before you, think of all the qualities you appreciate about yourself and send that image a steady stream of love from your heart. Then bring into your mind an image of someone you really love and do the same. Follow that same process for someone you don’t know well at all. Then call up the image of a person you have difficulty with and offer the same love. Finish by sending love to all beings. The incantation that goes with each stage of the meditation is “May you dwell in the heart, may you be free from suffering, may you be healed, may you be whole, may you be at peace, may you be happy.” It is enough to simply use the imagery if you find that works for you.
When you feel at peace with the situation with your cousin and thinking of her brings no resentment, then that will be the time to contact her, if you choose to do so. I would recommend writing a letter that is totally free of blame, does not ask her to do anything and that simply says that you miss her and would love to have her back in your life again. You need to be detached from the outcome on this, as she may feel she has to choose her boyfriend over a renewed relationship with you, but it is also entirely possible that as you change your perspective about her, then miraculously so may she about you.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
I'm trying to take care of some unfinished business before I move into a new phase of my life and one of those tasks which keeps popping up is to forgive my cousin.
Last summer her boyfriend really insulted and threatened my mother in front of me and my partner. We were all very upset but have managed to forgive him, even though it made things very uncomfortable in the family, especially as he had told my cousin and Auntie that it was my mother's fault.
My cousin called me up shortly afterwards and asked me for 'my version' of the events. I told her that my version was exactly how it was – there was no other version! Anyway, I eventually told her to grow up and put the phone down on her. So, I'm finding it hard to forgive her for thinking that it was OK for him to insult my mother because he said it was her fault.
It was easier to forgive him, as I could see exactly why he would deny it. He doesn't know any better and he had a lot to lose, ie respect within the family, particularly my cousin’s parents. Now my cousin will not have anything to do with us. I haven’t tried to mend any fences, but my mother has sent Christmas and birthday gifts to her that have met with no acknowledgement or thanks.
How can I go about healing this particular wound and forgive my cousin wholeheartedly?
Harmony Hopeful
Dear Harmony Hopeful
I am going to take a wild guess and say that there was trouble in the camp long before the boyfriend took a verbal swipe at your mother. Family issues are so multilayered, it’s often difficult to ascertain when the hostilities really started, so a relatively minor incident can set off a powder keg of emotions. That’s not to say that what happened with your mother was minor, but the fact that you are finding it easier to forgive the perpetrator than your cousin shows that something deeper is at work here.
On a very basic level, it is a clear injustice and it is insulting to both you and your mother that your cousin will not accept your account of the events. In effect, she is calling you a liar by choosing to accept what her boyfriend is telling her. This, accompanied by your desire to protect your mother, is where the root of the issue lies. If you look back, there are probably quite a few instances where your relationship with your cousin has led you to feel unappreciated or disrespected, as storms don’t rise up out of clear blue sky. The clouds have been gathering for a while, but you’ve probably been ignoring them in an attempt to keep the relationship on an even keel.
When we settle for less than we are comfortable with in terms of respect within any kind of relationship, this sets up an internal dynamic of resentment that will explode at some point, no matter how hard we try to keep a lid on it. The relationship with your cousin is not an independent one like a friendship – where the emotions are more easily identified – as it is affected by the way your parents relate to each other too, so it is easier for resentments to build without you having much awareness of them. Also, if this is occurring within a family relationship, it’s also happening in other areas of your life, so it’s an issue you’ll want to take a long, hard look at.
Now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on the root cause of the issue, the task of forgiveness can become a little easier. As you realise that it’s not about forgiving a particular incident, but establishing a new pattern of relationship, then it becomes more comfortable to feel that you’re willing to overlook an incident in favour of developing that relationship.
First, don’t ask yourself to condone what occurred. Forgiveness is about choosing to look beyond behaviour in order to free yourself from the distress you still carry and to step into a new way of being with that person (if you so choose). In order to do this, it will help if you can see your cousin’s position with some compassion. For example, I suspect that she is very insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend or she would have been able to challenge him about the incident, rather than just accepting his version of events. You probably won’t have been the first person this insecurity has affected in a detrimental way and you probably won’t be the last. If her boyfriend behaves appallingly and she is always siding with him, she will be becoming increasingly isolated from her friends and family.
Second, decide what you want from now on. Do you simply want to choose to be released from the pain or go on to have a relationship with her? Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that we go on to recontact that person. Just because we have forgiven a behaviour doesn’t mean we necessarily want that person back in our lives. Think carefully about what you really want here.
One of the most simple and practical compassion practices is the Buddhist Metta meditation. Sit quietly and imagine your heart connecting to the vast heart of universal love. See an image of yourself sitting before you, think of all the qualities you appreciate about yourself and send that image a steady stream of love from your heart. Then bring into your mind an image of someone you really love and do the same. Follow that same process for someone you don’t know well at all. Then call up the image of a person you have difficulty with and offer the same love. Finish by sending love to all beings. The incantation that goes with each stage of the meditation is “May you dwell in the heart, may you be free from suffering, may you be healed, may you be whole, may you be at peace, may you be happy.” It is enough to simply use the imagery if you find that works for you.
When you feel at peace with the situation with your cousin and thinking of her brings no resentment, then that will be the time to contact her, if you choose to do so. I would recommend writing a letter that is totally free of blame, does not ask her to do anything and that simply says that you miss her and would love to have her back in your life again. You need to be detached from the outcome on this, as she may feel she has to choose her boyfriend over a renewed relationship with you, but it is also entirely possible that as you change your perspective about her, then miraculously so may she about you.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
posted by Coach Fabulous at 11:34 am
1 Comments:
Glad you liked it, Fabio. Looking forward to reading what you have to say on your blog ...
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