All By Myself
Dear Coach Fabulous
I'm on the verge of a major emotional breakthrough. I have a deep fear of abandonment and am in the middle of my worst nightmare. Everyone seems to have abandoned me in my hour of need (the ending of a 7-year relationship) and those that haven't, I'm pushing away.
In spite of the pain, I feel quite detached and feel as I am watching from a distance. I know I am the only player in this game the universe has thrown at me but I'm not sure of the rules!
How do I play?
Solitaire
Dear Solitaire
I’m going to have to go with the wise words of the Rolling Stones on this one. As they memorably sang, “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need”. While it may be feeling so hard to face this on your own, try to trust that this dark night of the soul has a purpose. As you have said, you’re sensing that a breakthrough is imminent and so it will hopefully be easier for you to understand that we sometimes find ourselves isolated from others with the express purpose of learning to get in touch with our own emotions and wisdom. It’s obviously a watershed time for you, bringing enormous change. Rest assured that the changes you are going through, while painful, are going to bring you a level of emotional freedom and self-mastery that you cannot currently envisage. On the other side of this crisis lies a whole new life that is far more expressive of who you really are.
Your fear of abandonment will have kept you in circumstances that were no longer good for you for far longer than was necessary or even bearable. This period of enforced solitude is allowing you to see more deeply into your own fearful patterns of behaviour and recognise how much they can undermine your self-confidence, making it nigh on impossible to move forward and create the life you would wish for yourself. Yet, here you are, learning to face the loss and changes that you most fear, now that life has conspired to give you that push. Take a deep breath and gather your courage, because now is the time to face those fears head on. You can’t avoid them, so the only way out is through.
What will get you through this is a sense of purpose. You cannot change the outcome of the breakdown of your relationship, but you can choose to believe that there is a new life awaiting you when you’ve worked through the emotional pain. In the midst of crisis, we tend to assume it will go on forever, and develop the habit of ‘awful-ising’, ie projecting a negative circumstance way out into the future. This is one habit you simply cannot afford to indulge, at any cost. Instead, trust the understanding of the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, who said, “What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.” When you begin to go down the road of terrifying yourself with horror stories that you’re creating about your future, hold on to the image of that butterfly.
To work through the emotional pain, try to use that detachment that you’re cultivating to notice what is real pain and what is blame or self-attack. The real pain is the true sadness and grief that you need to feel and that is totally appropriate for your circumstances. The false pain is what you tell yourself those circumstances mean about you, for example beating yourself up about things that you could not possibly have changed or believing that the breakdown of the relationship means you’re not worth loving. Be very clear about giving airtime only to real pain and not the false pain that has no basis in reality.
While solitude is a powerful place in which to work through emotional issues, it isn’t meant to be a full-time job. Even if you can’t get the kind of emotional support from people that you may have wanted, you can still get together with friends or family for a bit of light relief. The tough times show us that life is bitter-sweet and that sadness and joy can – and do – co-exist. With detachment it is possible to be truly present with your pain without allowing it to blight your entire life. It won’t always be easy to remember that, but give yourself the gift of a day off every now and then.
You will come out of this stronger and happier. Hold fast to that thought and don’t try to fight where you are right now. When you’re having a bad day, be accepting of that. When you need some comfort, make sure you treat yourself kindly. Don’t forget to ask for help, as sometimes people just don’t know what to say or do in the presence of someone else’s pain, but will happily be there for you if you are clear about the kind of support that you need.
Keep trusting in a deeper purpose and brighter future to help you find your way through the darker days. This is your chance to build your life anew, so don’t let fear hold you back from making bold choices. You’ve lost your safety net anyway, so you might as well just leap!
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
I'm on the verge of a major emotional breakthrough. I have a deep fear of abandonment and am in the middle of my worst nightmare. Everyone seems to have abandoned me in my hour of need (the ending of a 7-year relationship) and those that haven't, I'm pushing away.
In spite of the pain, I feel quite detached and feel as I am watching from a distance. I know I am the only player in this game the universe has thrown at me but I'm not sure of the rules!
How do I play?
Solitaire
Dear Solitaire
I’m going to have to go with the wise words of the Rolling Stones on this one. As they memorably sang, “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need”. While it may be feeling so hard to face this on your own, try to trust that this dark night of the soul has a purpose. As you have said, you’re sensing that a breakthrough is imminent and so it will hopefully be easier for you to understand that we sometimes find ourselves isolated from others with the express purpose of learning to get in touch with our own emotions and wisdom. It’s obviously a watershed time for you, bringing enormous change. Rest assured that the changes you are going through, while painful, are going to bring you a level of emotional freedom and self-mastery that you cannot currently envisage. On the other side of this crisis lies a whole new life that is far more expressive of who you really are.
Your fear of abandonment will have kept you in circumstances that were no longer good for you for far longer than was necessary or even bearable. This period of enforced solitude is allowing you to see more deeply into your own fearful patterns of behaviour and recognise how much they can undermine your self-confidence, making it nigh on impossible to move forward and create the life you would wish for yourself. Yet, here you are, learning to face the loss and changes that you most fear, now that life has conspired to give you that push. Take a deep breath and gather your courage, because now is the time to face those fears head on. You can’t avoid them, so the only way out is through.
What will get you through this is a sense of purpose. You cannot change the outcome of the breakdown of your relationship, but you can choose to believe that there is a new life awaiting you when you’ve worked through the emotional pain. In the midst of crisis, we tend to assume it will go on forever, and develop the habit of ‘awful-ising’, ie projecting a negative circumstance way out into the future. This is one habit you simply cannot afford to indulge, at any cost. Instead, trust the understanding of the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, who said, “What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.” When you begin to go down the road of terrifying yourself with horror stories that you’re creating about your future, hold on to the image of that butterfly.
To work through the emotional pain, try to use that detachment that you’re cultivating to notice what is real pain and what is blame or self-attack. The real pain is the true sadness and grief that you need to feel and that is totally appropriate for your circumstances. The false pain is what you tell yourself those circumstances mean about you, for example beating yourself up about things that you could not possibly have changed or believing that the breakdown of the relationship means you’re not worth loving. Be very clear about giving airtime only to real pain and not the false pain that has no basis in reality.
While solitude is a powerful place in which to work through emotional issues, it isn’t meant to be a full-time job. Even if you can’t get the kind of emotional support from people that you may have wanted, you can still get together with friends or family for a bit of light relief. The tough times show us that life is bitter-sweet and that sadness and joy can – and do – co-exist. With detachment it is possible to be truly present with your pain without allowing it to blight your entire life. It won’t always be easy to remember that, but give yourself the gift of a day off every now and then.
You will come out of this stronger and happier. Hold fast to that thought and don’t try to fight where you are right now. When you’re having a bad day, be accepting of that. When you need some comfort, make sure you treat yourself kindly. Don’t forget to ask for help, as sometimes people just don’t know what to say or do in the presence of someone else’s pain, but will happily be there for you if you are clear about the kind of support that you need.
Keep trusting in a deeper purpose and brighter future to help you find your way through the darker days. This is your chance to build your life anew, so don’t let fear hold you back from making bold choices. You’ve lost your safety net anyway, so you might as well just leap!
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
posted by Coach Fabulous at 5:24 pm
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