The Guilt Trip

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have a bit of a dilemma with a friend of mine, who desperately wants me to accompany her to an expensive event so that she can use the opportunity to meet up with a man she fancies. Unfortunately, it’s not something I really want to go to and it will take days out of my schedule. I’ve tried saying that I couldn’t afford it – which is true – but now she’s bought me a ticket and I feel honour-bound to go. Even worse, I now feel like I should reimburse her for the cost of the ticket, especially as she’s been a very good friend to me lately in some troubled times. I don’t want to let her down, but this is now making me feel very uncomfortable. What should I do?

Girl Scout’s Honour


Dear Girl Scout’s Honour

First of all, this one’s a boundary issue and that’s probably an ongoing theme for you. At the very least, this particular problem will highlight an area that you need to put some attention on, to help you avoid putting yourself in even more of these kinds of situations. If a good friend asks you to do something you’re not interested in or not comfortable with from a financial point of view, it’s perfectly reasonable to say no. The fundamental issue here is that you have put your friend’s needs way ahead of your own, so much so that you are going to spend days doing something you don’t like and pay through the nose for the privilege. There’s something wrong with that picture, don’t you think?

She may be a close and supportive friend, but it still doesn’t give her the right to overstep your boundaries and push you into doing something you’re clearly not happy with. The support that we give to others needs to fall within our own personal comfort zone of what we’re willing to offer or it becomes sacrifice. When you’re in sacrifice mode, anything you do will eventually engender resentment because you’re compromising yourself as part of the bargain. That’s never going to feel good.

You could do with some practice saying ‘no’. Start small and, where necessary, take time out before agreeing anything. It’s much harder to do when you’re caught on the hop, so – as a rule of thumb – try not to say yes to anything without allowing yourself time to think about it. This will get you more in touch with your own feelings about what you’re being asked to do and move you out of automatic people-pleaser mode. There’s a fine line between offering heartfelt support and the disease to please that comes at your own expense, so this should help you to err on the side of caution. Ultimately sacrificial behaviour helps no-one, as it erodes your self-esteem, builds resentment, doesn’t set clear boundaries and allows others to continue to perpetrate selfish or thoughtless behaviour. Most importantly, you need to ask yourself why your friend’s priorities are more important than your own. You’re obviously a giving person, so rest assured that it’s not unkind to be clear about the kind of support you’re willing to give and the kind you’re not.

For this particular problem, you are in a bit of a bind. You will need to honour the commitment of attending, as you had said you would – even though you were railroaded into it. Just take it as a useful lesson in how unclear boundaries can get you into hot water and commit yourself to saying ‘no’ sooner and more forcefully in future. Being browbeaten into doing something is not acceptable, regardless of the support you have received from your friend. Friendship is not a licence to manipulate others. If you recall just how much support you have offered to that same friend in the past, I’m sure the balance would be pretty much equal (if not way in your favour as the giving one). On a practical note, although you have agreed to attend, you can certainly re-negotiate the period of time you actually spend at the event. There’s only so much time she can spend flirting with this guy, so be the companion who enables her to do a bit of that and then move on. Don’t just stick it out feeling miserable and resentful. Reclaim some personal power in this situation and do only as much as feels appropriate to fulfil your agreement.

Finally, on the financial aspect, just drop the guilt. You’ve been manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do and can’t afford, that will take several days out of your life and leave you feeling like a gooseberry while your friend flirts for Britain, so why exactly do you feel you have to add insult to injury and pay for it as well? You’re doing her a favour, not the other way around. Don’t even go there!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter