An Inconvenient Truth

Dear Coach Fabulous

After having been made redundant a little over 3 weeks ago and throwing myself into the job market with gay abandon I have been offered two dream jobs. One offers security and good consistent work. The other is a bit of a maverick and offers the chance to develop the work I would really in my heart like to do.After a long period of instability in both my personal life and relationships I thought what I really wanted was just to settle. But out of the blue came this new offer which to be frank would be a risk at first but promises 100% payback - if it works.My partner who is a solid sort can't understand the appeal of the esoteric and whilst he is my rock, in that he never changes, that never changing can also be stifling. I am under pressure to make the decision but feel that he will deeply disapprove if I take the job I really want.

Help!

Defeated

Dear Defeated

I’d prefer to think of you as temporarily daunted, rather than defeated. It’s not surprising that you’re drawn to security after a long period of uncertainty – and it’s very important to make sound, practical choices – but what I’m hearing underneath your words is a real calling to pursue your dreams, even if that involves risks that challenge your sense of comfort.

While you’re willing to do what it takes to make those dreams a reality, you’re very concerned that your partner will not only find it difficult, but will disapprove of your choices. This is not so much a career question, but an issue within your relationship – you fear that you’ll lose your partner’s approval (and love) if you follow your heart.

The only way to overcome that fear is to confront it and to have a very honest conversation with your partner, expressed in a way that honours their good qualities and asks for their support in this new venture. Make sure that you keep your dialogue focused on how you feel about taking the risk, how much you value them, and how you want to find a solution that works for both of you. Keep away from anything that might sound accusative, such as ‘you always …’ or ‘you won’t let me …’. The point of the discussion is to open up the underlying issues in a safe way, to take your relationship to a greater level of trust and openness.

Whichever choice you make, you cannot leave this unsaid. You may avoid the issue by taking the option your partner is most likely to approve of, but this will lead to resentment down the line that could become a much greater threat to the relationship than a bit of short-term discomfort over a job choice. Sacrificing your own personal development for the sake of a partnership is not a viable option – it will only come back to haunt you.

Remember, too, that it’s never all or nothing. You might feel that you’re torn between two options right now, but you may find that there’s a way to pursue your dreams that doesn’t involve as much risk as the current offer presents. Try using some creative thinking, rather than just assuming that these are the only two choices available to you.

Finally, a big life change like redundancy is usually a clue that something needs to change. Treat it like a wake-up call to refocus on what’s important to you. Don’t assume you should just carry on regardless – a shake-up is on the menu, so go with the flow and take a good look at your life. Be honest with yourself about what’s working and what’s not. Make choices that resonate with who you are and who you want to be – not just ones that are simply convenient. Convenient choices will only delay the opportunities for growth that are trying to show up in your life right now.

Coach Fabulous