What Lies Beneath

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have just come across your website and I must be a prime candidate for no confidence. The worst thing is I used to have loads when I was younger and now I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I have four children, my last being only 4 months ago. I’ve had 3 bouts of post natal depression and trying desperately to avoid a fourth. I have still got pregnancy fat that I’m actively trying to get rid of by nearly killing myself doing a Davina and going to the gym. Before I got pregnant I was going to the gym 3 times a week! I think my weight is probably my biggest problem even though I’m probably only a stone and a half over. But my confidence is way below zero!!!!!!!!!! Help if you can!! Huge challenge I know. :)

Weighing In The Balance


Dear Weighing In The Balance

Confidence is never a constant and it’s particularly susceptible to taking a hit when our bodies change. That doesn’t mean it’s out for the count – your confidence is just having a momentary wobble and if you want it to come out fighting, you’ll need to be kind to yourself. First of all, having 4 children and one of them only 4 months old is a big load, not to mention the post-natal depression. If you’re facing up to another bout of that, don’t try and beat it alone. Get help – medical support, alternative medicine, counselling, getting a break from the kids – whatever it takes. Make sure you talk to your good friends about how you really feel. Nothing is more isolating than trying to handle something that overwhelming without help. For general tips on finding a bit of space for yourself as a new mum, try my iVillage article: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancyandbaby/childcare/worklife/articles/0,,170040_705014,00.html.


To be realistic, carrying another stone and a half after 4 kids (and only months after the last one) isn’t that much of a deal as far as weight goes, so I suspect this is more about disconnection from your body and loss of a sense of self. Let’s take a look at the bod first. I’m going to recommend an online article I’ve written on body confidence to get you started: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/dietandfitness/getfit/bodyshape/articles/0,,259_709239,00.html. The most important thing you need to know is that you cannot sort out weight issues while you’re treating your body like an enemy – you have to start to get comfortable being in your body and then learn to love it. The tips in the piece will help you, but my best clue is using exercise to get in tune with your body, rather than to punish it into submission. Classes like yoga, pilates and tai chi teach you to attune to your body by focusing on how it feels, so that you’re partnering with your body, not beating it up. This is the fastest way to learn how to enjoy your body again, along with going strictly cold turkey on criticising it. Absolutely do not say nasty things to yourself about your body – if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!

Still on the weight issue, forget dieting. We all know it doesn’t work. As you get more in tune with your body, your food choices will change. Try reading Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Thin, which comes with a CD of guided visualisations. He’s had significantly more statistical success with weight loss than any other diet and it’s all about learning to eat well, not starving yourself. No-one wants to be a miserable dieter for the rest of their lives and this book seems to give a sound alternative. Get a makeover too – vanity gets a bad rep, but a new look can put you on top of the world. Enlist the help of a stylist if you can afford it. Very few of us know how to dress our body shape well and if yours has changed, chances are you’re not wearing the styles that show your body off to its best advantage.

The rest of the ‘be kind to yourself’ advice includes things like getting regular massages, taking time out to meet your good friends (even if you can only fit in a coffee) and finding some time for you that’s just sacred. Whatever you do in that time is up to you – it’s about remembering what your interests are and making time for them. Read a good book, crash out on the sofa if you need it, go see an art exhibition, write in a journal, meditate, get smashed every once in a while – it’s totally guilt-free, because it’s about remembering who you are, even if that means being a couch potato one day or a gym bunny the next. Carving out small slices of time for yourself will boost your confidence because you’re claiming your space, standing up for what’s important to you and making it non-negotiable.

If you’ve lost sight of who you were before the kids came along, sign up for an online course or a weekend workshop in something you’ve always wanted to do. Doing new things is always a little scary at first, but stretching your sense of accomplishment is a great builder of self-worth. It may be difficult to fit in, but you have to take care of your own needs and decide what’s important to you. I’d suggest listening to Debbie Ford or Cheryl Richardson, who are coaches broadcasting shows on http://www.hayhouseradio.com/, for a bit of daily upliftment. You can listen to the shows via live streaming or download them to your iPod. Also take a look at
the host of free podcasts available via iTunes – there’s something on almost any imaginable subject, so you’re bound to find something to stimulate your mind. Debbie Ford also has a Best Year Of Your Life kit, with a confidence-building theme to work on every week, which you might enjoy, as well as guided visualisations on loving your body.

I’ve suggested a lot of outer stuff to do, but confidence is really an inside job. You have to get comfortable with being who you are, right here, right now. You have to know that a few extra pounds cannot stand in the way of you being happy, loveable and proud of the person you are. Start loving the small stuff, like how kindly you treat your children or support your friends, how well you manage with a big family or celebrating even just getting through the day in a fairly good mood. Do that every morning and night – find three things you can love about yourself when you’re brushing your teeth in the morning and three more when your head hits the pillow at night. The weight is just a smokescreen – if you can get happy with who you are, you’ll feel confident and enjoy your life no matter what your bathroom scales say. Take the pressure off and don’t give yourself a timescale – just the aim to be happy being you.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2007 Alison Porter