Bringing Sexy Back

Dear Coach Fabulous,

I have lost my mojo! I have no interest in men and zero sex drive.

I have, within the last year or two, got over depression and am fine and happy generally. The thing is, I haven’t had a sniff of a man in so long it’s beginning to worry me, mostly because I don’t miss it! I’ve had a few bad experiences with men and I suppose that might have put me off.

I used to feel a bit more confident and make more of an effort to look nice, but I have become a bit lazy now so I go out knowing I look a bit rough and thinking that all attractive men are out of my league.

I used to feel quite sexy and would happily flirt, but now I shy away from situations where I may have to interact with men and I cannot handle sexy conversations – I think I have become a bit of a prude, which is the last thing anyone would have said about me before.

My feeling is that I have attitude problems rather than sexual ones and I would love to hear if you have any ideas on how to change my outlook on this subject – I don’t want to end up an old spinster.

Please help!

Soon-To-Be Old Maid


Dear Soon-To-Be Old Maid

You’re right on the money with your own diagnosis – this is an attitude issue, rather than a sexual one. If you’ve watched enough of those dating makeover shows, you’ll know that people with far worse problems than yours can be turned into hunks of burning love almost overnight, simply by taking on board a new set of attitudes, with only the merest dash of re-styling. Let that inspire you to do your own little mojo makeover at home, knowing it can be a fabulous success. You’re just in the habit of thinking badly of yourself and that habit can be changed.

First, you’ve got to get into your body - you’re way too much in your head. That’s probably partially a result of having suffered from depression. The fastest way to start to reconnect is through massage or any form of slow exercise that requires you to put your attention firmly into your body, such as yoga, pilates or tai chi. What you need to be doing is reconnecting to your sensuality as a step to reconnecting to your sexuality. Make sure your senses are stimulated by massage, movement, aromatic bubble baths and sensual textures in clothing. If you’re not already a foodie, start feeding yourself very good quality meals and luxuriate in the tastes. Use every opportunity to notice and enjoy the sensual aspects of life – pay attention to the little things like how the wind feels on your face and how great it feels to be in front of a fire on a cold and rainy day. If this were summer, I’d be recommending that you get out on the grass in your bare feet, but given that we’re in the middle of winter, I’ll let you off on that one. Try noticing the texture of the carpet on your bare feet instead.

When you are in your head, make your thoughts work for you. Try doing an ‘inner smile’ meditation before you get out of bed in the morning, smiling and sending love to all the parts of your body, working from head to toe. If you find this hard to visualise, start off by getting a picture in your mind of something or someone you love and feel that love until you have a smile on your face, then imagine that love spreading throughout your own body. Walking meditation helps too – when your mind is spinning with unhelpful thoughts, place your attention on each step and how it feels in your body as your feet make contact with the ground. Soon you’ll be absorbed in that movement and whatever’s bothering you will fall away.

Now it’s time for some fresh material for that mind of yours. You’re already in the habit of using mantras – you just don’t call them that – but the problem is they’re all bad news. You keep reinforcing thoughts of unattractiveness, which creates a lack of self-confidence, which unsurprisingly results in a lack of interest from the opposite sex. Do you think you’d be attracted to a man who looked like he didn’t like himself that much? Absolutely not.

This is the fun bit – it doesn’t have to be hard work. You just need to come up with a mantra that you can say to yourself over and over, particularly when those negative thoughts of self-attack pop up. If you want your mojo back, you’re going to have to suspend disbelief on this one and just go for it. Try something like “I’m a hot, sexy, lovable babe – men adore me and want to be with me”. If that’s too much of a stretch initially, start with something like “I love being me and people love to be with me”. Make it your own – there are no magic words, just the ones that work for you.

While you’re restyling your mind, restyle your wardrobe while you’re at it. Super-comfy is out and girlie is in. Don’t make yourself feel awkward, but scrub up a bit, wherever you’re going, even if it’s just to the shops. The better you feel about yourself, the more attractive you become. Treat yourself well – buy flattering clothes, refresh your makeup, and get a new hairdo or colour. You don’t have to splash the cash too much – funky accessories can make even the most simple of outfits look individual and interesting. Try swapping clothes with a friend or getting their opinion on a new style that might suit you. If you have the wad to throw at it, get a personal stylist to revamp your wardrobe and a whole new you may well emerge.

It’s hard to create something you can’t even imagine, so when you daydream, start putting that to good work by seeing yourself feeling sexy, lovable and in a relationship. If athletes can use visualisation to improve their game, you can use the same techniques for the game of love – see yourself looking good and feeling relaxed in the company of men.

Now, in the immortal words of the Doobie Brothers, we need to be taking it to the streets. All that practicing on your own is setting the foundation, but you won’t know it’s working until you test it out. Start simply by inviting mixed company over for dinner or going out with a group of friends that includes men, not just women. Make an effort to talk to the guys in the office a bit more. Do a class in something you’re interested in that’s guaranteed to have some male participants. The aim of the game is not to hurl yourself into a dating situation, but to familiarise yourself with the company of men again.

You can up the ante a bit when you have more confidence and feel relaxed when socialising – that’s the time to consider all the new dating options, such as organised dinner parties for singles or online dating, but it’s too much pressure initially. Besides, you may not need a formal dating situation anyway – the better you feel about yourself, the more approachable you’ll be and the more likely you are to just run into someone in the normal course of your life. I once met a man in a road block in Spain – and another one in the Jacuzzi at the health club – so I figure you can meet someone pretty much anywhere if you’re open to it.

You’ve got quite a bit to be getting on with, but I want to leave you with a few resources to keep you fired up. You might want to consider taking St John’s Wort as a supplement, if you aren’t already. Apart from its anti-depressant aspects, it’s also reputed to boost the libido. To keep you feeling that sexy vibe, try listening to the self-hypnosis CD called Man Magnet from http://www.shootfromthehyp.com/. It’s a little over the top, so it might take some getting used to, but at the very least it’ll give you a laugh while you’re reprogramming your mind. To help you release issues from past relationships, a great book on the subject is Calling In The One, by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It’s a 7-week programme of exercises that will help you shift your attitudes and release painful feelings. Another excellent book to help you understand the power of positive self-regard in relationships is Secrets Of Attraction by Sandra Anne Taylor. Also http://www.therelationshipgym.com/ has a regular newsletter on relationships, as well as plenty of other free resources for dating advice, such as pre-recorded classes.

All of this has been a very long-winded way of saying that when you learn to love yourself, you open the door to allowing someone else to love you. Just work on liking who you are, feeling confident about your talents and gifts, getting comfortable in your body and enjoying life - your mojo will be back before you know it!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2007 Alison Porter