Cold Comfort
Dear Coach Fabulous
I'm in the throes of a break up and one of my close girlfriends virtually refuses to talk about it. We will be with friends and she'll hardly even ask how I'm feeling or coping. I think it could be because I've always been the 'mum' in the group, there to support everyone else, but I feel let down by her. I just can’t understand her behaviour and would like to have some support.
Somewhat Slightly Disappointed
Dear Somewhat Slightly Disappointed
The sad fact is that once we have been cast in a role in any kind of relationship – friendship, family or love – then it can be difficult to change that perception. It sounds like you have become the one to whom everyone else runs when they have problems, which in itself is a problem for you. When you’re in this role, a couple of things can happen: people will see you as the strong one and assume you don’t need help or it frightens them that you do, because you’re meant to be the one who has it all together. Either way, that leaves you without any real support when things get tough.
To shift this one, you need to take a look at the quality of your friendships and how much they are reflecting your life as it is now. If things were carrying on as normal, then you’d probably be happy with your appointed role, but as you’ve been going through changes, you’re realising that the status quo is not doing you any favours. Relationships are meant to be a fluid balance of give and take, with both parties giving and receiving support at various times. What you’re seeing now is that this particular friendship – and probably quite a few others – functions more like a one-way street, where you are locked into the role of the one who provides the support but doesn’t necessarily get any in return. This is a deeply disappointing kind of relationship to be in, especially when – as you have just learned – you finally look for some kind of support and it’s not there for you when you need it.
There’s a part of you that’s colluded with this arrangement, so the most helpful thing to do is not to blame your friend for her lack of support, but to look at why you would find yourself in relationships like this in the first place. Part of your identity is tied up with helping others, but another part of you isn’t comfortable receiving that same support in return. So, as ever, this comes down to your self-worth – how much do you think you deserve to be listened to and comforted? You’re well-practiced at giving but you’re not good at all when it comes to receiving.
In an ideal world, people would instinctively give us the help and comfort we need, but we are by no means living in an ideal world. So, in order for you to shift out of this role and into more balanced relationships, it’s time for you to take responsibility for getting the support you need and learn to ask for it. Start in small ways, asking for help with practical things or making sure that you express how you feel, so that conversations aren’t always just about everyone else. Expect some resistance, as people won’t be expecting you to be taking centre stage a little more, but persevere. Every time you stand up for what you need, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that you are worth people’s time, love and support. Every time you let someone help you, you are learning the art of receiving and giving them the gift of letting them be the strong one for a change.
With this particular friend, try talking to her about it, but not in a challenging way. If she deflects the conversation away from what you want to talk about, then gently bring it back to that issue. If it keeps happening, you might want to ask her why she seems to be uncomfortable talking about it – you never know, it may be because it brings up feelings of a painful breakup for her, rather than because she doesn’t want to support you. This is really about you learning to create equitable relationships, which is going to require you to claim a little airtime for yourself in relationships where you’re accustomed to being the listener. This may be awkward for a while, as your friends adjust, and there is a possibility that some never will. It’s at that point you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to be stuck in the listening role or if you’re going to find yourself some friendships where there’s mutual support.
This is a new voyage of discovery for you. You’ve seen that some of your patterns of relating aren’t helpful to you, so the fun part is now learning to create ones that are. You’re on a mission to notice what’s working and what’s not, in a dispassionate way. When you’re aware of what doesn’t work for you, you then have the power to change it. This is an opportunity for you to learn to create much more fulfilling relationships for yourself and a stronger sense of self-worth. Forget the disappointment, get inspired to make some changes and get ready to enjoy the adventure.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
I'm in the throes of a break up and one of my close girlfriends virtually refuses to talk about it. We will be with friends and she'll hardly even ask how I'm feeling or coping. I think it could be because I've always been the 'mum' in the group, there to support everyone else, but I feel let down by her. I just can’t understand her behaviour and would like to have some support.
Somewhat Slightly Disappointed
Dear Somewhat Slightly Disappointed
The sad fact is that once we have been cast in a role in any kind of relationship – friendship, family or love – then it can be difficult to change that perception. It sounds like you have become the one to whom everyone else runs when they have problems, which in itself is a problem for you. When you’re in this role, a couple of things can happen: people will see you as the strong one and assume you don’t need help or it frightens them that you do, because you’re meant to be the one who has it all together. Either way, that leaves you without any real support when things get tough.
To shift this one, you need to take a look at the quality of your friendships and how much they are reflecting your life as it is now. If things were carrying on as normal, then you’d probably be happy with your appointed role, but as you’ve been going through changes, you’re realising that the status quo is not doing you any favours. Relationships are meant to be a fluid balance of give and take, with both parties giving and receiving support at various times. What you’re seeing now is that this particular friendship – and probably quite a few others – functions more like a one-way street, where you are locked into the role of the one who provides the support but doesn’t necessarily get any in return. This is a deeply disappointing kind of relationship to be in, especially when – as you have just learned – you finally look for some kind of support and it’s not there for you when you need it.
There’s a part of you that’s colluded with this arrangement, so the most helpful thing to do is not to blame your friend for her lack of support, but to look at why you would find yourself in relationships like this in the first place. Part of your identity is tied up with helping others, but another part of you isn’t comfortable receiving that same support in return. So, as ever, this comes down to your self-worth – how much do you think you deserve to be listened to and comforted? You’re well-practiced at giving but you’re not good at all when it comes to receiving.
In an ideal world, people would instinctively give us the help and comfort we need, but we are by no means living in an ideal world. So, in order for you to shift out of this role and into more balanced relationships, it’s time for you to take responsibility for getting the support you need and learn to ask for it. Start in small ways, asking for help with practical things or making sure that you express how you feel, so that conversations aren’t always just about everyone else. Expect some resistance, as people won’t be expecting you to be taking centre stage a little more, but persevere. Every time you stand up for what you need, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that you are worth people’s time, love and support. Every time you let someone help you, you are learning the art of receiving and giving them the gift of letting them be the strong one for a change.
With this particular friend, try talking to her about it, but not in a challenging way. If she deflects the conversation away from what you want to talk about, then gently bring it back to that issue. If it keeps happening, you might want to ask her why she seems to be uncomfortable talking about it – you never know, it may be because it brings up feelings of a painful breakup for her, rather than because she doesn’t want to support you. This is really about you learning to create equitable relationships, which is going to require you to claim a little airtime for yourself in relationships where you’re accustomed to being the listener. This may be awkward for a while, as your friends adjust, and there is a possibility that some never will. It’s at that point you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to be stuck in the listening role or if you’re going to find yourself some friendships where there’s mutual support.
This is a new voyage of discovery for you. You’ve seen that some of your patterns of relating aren’t helpful to you, so the fun part is now learning to create ones that are. You’re on a mission to notice what’s working and what’s not, in a dispassionate way. When you’re aware of what doesn’t work for you, you then have the power to change it. This is an opportunity for you to learn to create much more fulfilling relationships for yourself and a stronger sense of self-worth. Forget the disappointment, get inspired to make some changes and get ready to enjoy the adventure.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
posted by Coach Fabulous at 5:56 am
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