The Enemy Within
Dear Coach Fabulous
I've been making a series of major changes in my life - work, love life, friendships - and I've finally figured out what it is I really want to be and do. I've started on the path but sometimes feel overwhelmed by the changes that I still have to make. I know life would be easier to stay stuck but I just can't - my body and mind just won’t let me. It’s like I know I want to do this but I just can't seem to believe that I can or that I'll be successful. I think that I'm still afraid of failing and who I am kidding that I can do this?! I think a bit of it is, if I don't do it then I still have the hope of doing it, but if I do and fail then I have nothing left. How do I get out of this cycle?
Frozen
Dear Frozen
You’ve pretty much diagnosed yourself, so there’s not a great deal for me to add here, apart from a few techniques. We can be as afraid of succeeding as we are of failure and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place because you’re clearly afraid of both. But, believe me, you are not alone. What you’ve described is a fairly succinct description of the human condition – being as fearful of getting something we want as not getting it – for we are all a mass of contradictions.
This is never more evident than when we’re about to stretch ourselves outside our familiar little comfort zone. That’s the time when, despite all our optimism for change, all our insecurities will rise to the surface. They might not be true, but they do feel very real. When this happens, you really need to employ some good old-fashioned zen-like detachment and simply observe the rubbish that pops up in your head without engaging with it on an emotional level. It’s one thing to notice that an insecure thought is popping up and it’s another to identify with it so closely that you start to think it’s real. When you’re about to go into a downer about yourself, pay attention to what’s coming up and ask yourself ‘Is this the truth about me?’. Stay detached and simply observe what comes up. Keep asking that same question until you can honestly answer ‘no’. If it helps, gather evidence in your mind about why it’s not so, remembering positive instances in your life where that particular nasty brand of thought was so not true, it’s laughable. Keep going with this and you’ll be able to work it through and come out feeling much brighter.
When you can get beyond the negative thoughts, start making a note of all the evidence that points to why you will succeed. Make a list of past successes, ways you’ve grown, people you can count on for support and talents or resources that you possess. Just seeing that all down on paper should give you a confidence boost. We so rarely take the time to celebrate our achievements, yet that’s what gives us the confidence to go forward in life. Know that you’ve made big changes before and you’ll do it again. Don’t forget the power of visualisation either – make sure you see yourself achieving your goal and notice how you will feel when you do that. The more you can tap into positive emotions, the more powerful your will to succeed will be. When you can master your emotions, you will have defeated the enemy within. The next step is to harness that power to create exactly what you want.
If you’re willing to devote some time every day to imagining yourself totally successful in what you want to achieve and allowing yourself to fully feel all of those positive emotions as though they’re happening now, you will power through your current resistance. The sheer impetus of that increase in positive emotion will push you forward with confidence. Of course you still have to take the actions necessary to support your plan, but the emotional mastery is the fuel in your tank that will overcome any inertia. What stops us in our tracks is rarely an outside obstacle, but usually an inside job of lack of self-confidence and an inability to fully embrace a vision of ourselves as successful. Make an investment in yourself by seeing yourself happily making all the changes you’ve envisioned and more. Then keep affirming to yourself that it’s true. Have a zero-tolerance policy towards undermining yourself with self-doubt. When you’re about to go down that road, just stop and reaffirm your choice to believe in yourself and your future success.
When your confidence dips, don’t be hard on yourself about feeling the way you do. No-one feels great about themselves 24/7 – that’s a completely unrealistic expectation. Know that it’s perfectly OK for your feelings of self-esteem to fluctuate. What’s important is that you get back on track as quickly as you can and don’t wallow in the mire of negative self-talk.
One practical way of working on your self-image is through A Course In Miracles, which is a system of spiritual psychology that includes a workbook of exercises to do each day for a year. It can be an acquired taste, as the wisdom is couched in quite strongly Christian terms, but the best user-friendly introduction to it is A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. The core of the Course’s teachings is that we are all good and innocent at heart. When you can really know that this is absolutely the truth about you, then letting all the rubbish drop away becomes so much easier. I’d recommend reading A Return To Love as a primer, then doing the exercises from the Course as a daily ritual to support you in having the confidence to make new choices for yourself.
Change is always risky, but it’s infinitely preferable to staying stuck. As Baz Lurhmann so quaintly noted in his film Strictly Ballroom, vivir con miedo es vivir a medias – a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. So don’t keep yourself on half rations – take courage and go for the Full Monty, however scary that might be.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
I've been making a series of major changes in my life - work, love life, friendships - and I've finally figured out what it is I really want to be and do. I've started on the path but sometimes feel overwhelmed by the changes that I still have to make. I know life would be easier to stay stuck but I just can't - my body and mind just won’t let me. It’s like I know I want to do this but I just can't seem to believe that I can or that I'll be successful. I think that I'm still afraid of failing and who I am kidding that I can do this?! I think a bit of it is, if I don't do it then I still have the hope of doing it, but if I do and fail then I have nothing left. How do I get out of this cycle?
Frozen
Dear Frozen
You’ve pretty much diagnosed yourself, so there’s not a great deal for me to add here, apart from a few techniques. We can be as afraid of succeeding as we are of failure and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place because you’re clearly afraid of both. But, believe me, you are not alone. What you’ve described is a fairly succinct description of the human condition – being as fearful of getting something we want as not getting it – for we are all a mass of contradictions.
This is never more evident than when we’re about to stretch ourselves outside our familiar little comfort zone. That’s the time when, despite all our optimism for change, all our insecurities will rise to the surface. They might not be true, but they do feel very real. When this happens, you really need to employ some good old-fashioned zen-like detachment and simply observe the rubbish that pops up in your head without engaging with it on an emotional level. It’s one thing to notice that an insecure thought is popping up and it’s another to identify with it so closely that you start to think it’s real. When you’re about to go into a downer about yourself, pay attention to what’s coming up and ask yourself ‘Is this the truth about me?’. Stay detached and simply observe what comes up. Keep asking that same question until you can honestly answer ‘no’. If it helps, gather evidence in your mind about why it’s not so, remembering positive instances in your life where that particular nasty brand of thought was so not true, it’s laughable. Keep going with this and you’ll be able to work it through and come out feeling much brighter.
When you can get beyond the negative thoughts, start making a note of all the evidence that points to why you will succeed. Make a list of past successes, ways you’ve grown, people you can count on for support and talents or resources that you possess. Just seeing that all down on paper should give you a confidence boost. We so rarely take the time to celebrate our achievements, yet that’s what gives us the confidence to go forward in life. Know that you’ve made big changes before and you’ll do it again. Don’t forget the power of visualisation either – make sure you see yourself achieving your goal and notice how you will feel when you do that. The more you can tap into positive emotions, the more powerful your will to succeed will be. When you can master your emotions, you will have defeated the enemy within. The next step is to harness that power to create exactly what you want.
If you’re willing to devote some time every day to imagining yourself totally successful in what you want to achieve and allowing yourself to fully feel all of those positive emotions as though they’re happening now, you will power through your current resistance. The sheer impetus of that increase in positive emotion will push you forward with confidence. Of course you still have to take the actions necessary to support your plan, but the emotional mastery is the fuel in your tank that will overcome any inertia. What stops us in our tracks is rarely an outside obstacle, but usually an inside job of lack of self-confidence and an inability to fully embrace a vision of ourselves as successful. Make an investment in yourself by seeing yourself happily making all the changes you’ve envisioned and more. Then keep affirming to yourself that it’s true. Have a zero-tolerance policy towards undermining yourself with self-doubt. When you’re about to go down that road, just stop and reaffirm your choice to believe in yourself and your future success.
When your confidence dips, don’t be hard on yourself about feeling the way you do. No-one feels great about themselves 24/7 – that’s a completely unrealistic expectation. Know that it’s perfectly OK for your feelings of self-esteem to fluctuate. What’s important is that you get back on track as quickly as you can and don’t wallow in the mire of negative self-talk.
One practical way of working on your self-image is through A Course In Miracles, which is a system of spiritual psychology that includes a workbook of exercises to do each day for a year. It can be an acquired taste, as the wisdom is couched in quite strongly Christian terms, but the best user-friendly introduction to it is A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. The core of the Course’s teachings is that we are all good and innocent at heart. When you can really know that this is absolutely the truth about you, then letting all the rubbish drop away becomes so much easier. I’d recommend reading A Return To Love as a primer, then doing the exercises from the Course as a daily ritual to support you in having the confidence to make new choices for yourself.
Change is always risky, but it’s infinitely preferable to staying stuck. As Baz Lurhmann so quaintly noted in his film Strictly Ballroom, vivir con miedo es vivir a medias – a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. So don’t keep yourself on half rations – take courage and go for the Full Monty, however scary that might be.
Coach Fabulous
If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter
posted by Coach Fabulous at 9:09 pm
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