Six Characters In Search Of An Author

Dear Coach Fabulous

I'm a recently-divorced, 40 year-old woman who is living in temporary rented accommodation with no friends or family nearby and feeling very isolated. I handed in my notice at work yesterday after 13 years with the same company (this was a rather rash thing for me to do). I just feel the need to get away, anywhere, and start a new life because I can't stop thinking about my failed marriage and previous relationships. My ex-husband is now living with someone else! I feel a failure: single at 40, no children, no real family or support network to speak of and then I feel guilty for feeling so self-pitying! Help...where do I go from here, I'm lost!

Cast Adrift


Dear Cast Adrift

You may feel lost at sea right now, but you are in a sea of endless possibilities - it’s up to you whether you focus on what you don’t have or where you want to go from here. As in the Pirandello play, Six Characters In Search Of An Author, you must accept that life is full of absurdities that don’t need to appear plausible simply because they are true. Yes, you are 40, on your own, feeling isolated and probably more than a little scared at starting again on the work front, but that doesn’t make you a failure. It may not be the circumstance that you might have expected for yourself at this time in your life, but there are unlived parts of yourself that are crying out for attention and are more than capable of turning this particular sow’s ear into a silk purse.

The real issue is that it’s time for you to be the author of your own life. That’s a monstrously terrifying prospect for most of us, yet your soul has thrown you into a circumstance where you have no choice but to paint yourself a new picture and write yourself a new story. You can spend a lot of time stuck in regret, beating yourself up about how this came to be, or you can roll your sleeves up and shout ‘bring it on!’. However you choose to approach this, you always have a choice. If you’re determined to suffer, you will. Equally, if you’re willing to embrace this opportunity, you’ll rise phoenix-like from the ashes. Will it be easy? No. Is it what you’re meant to do? Yes.

I salute your bravery in handing in your notice after 13 years in the midst of all these other huge changes. That speaks volumes about your courage, even if now you are wondering if you’ve made a mistake. It was a gutsy move – a part of you is clearly ready for a clean slate and you’ve just cleared the board in one fell swoop.

So where do you go from here? Well, this is going to take a bit of time for reflection, so you can get clear on how you want to live your life from now on. You’ve expressed a desire to get away and that’s a very good thing as long as you’re using it for the purposes of self-knowledge rather than escape. Getting into a new environment for a short period will help you to put a bit of psychological distance between you and the past, but I wouldn’t recommend relocating right now. That’s just geography – you may move, but your problems will go with you, so while you might feel better for a little while, anything unresolved will still rear its ugly head, even if you’re in a fabulous new place. Equally, you could head off somewhere on a whim, only to find it’s not the right place for you when the dust has settled and you’re clearer on your purpose. That can be an expensive mistake to make, so for now just focus on finding somewhere peaceful that you can spend some time in contemplation, rather than making any permanent moves.

First, you need to grieve the breakdown of your marriage. Whether it was good or bad, there’s still a heartbreak around not being able to make it work that will take some time to pass. There’s healthy grieving and there’s unhealthy grieving, so be aware of how you’re thinking about it. Healthy grieving acknowledges the loss, but also acknowledges the truth about the relationship and takes on board any lessons you need to learn. Unhealthy grieving is where you blame yourself for the relationship coming to an end and dwell on all the things you think you could have done to save it. You need to come to an acceptance that the relationship is over because it needs to be, that there is a purpose in you moving on with your life and that your future can be better than your past. If you cannot learn to hold those thoughts as your main focus, you’re in for a world of unnecessary pain. Be kind to yourself right now – you’ve found yourself separated from most of the things that we take refuge in, yet you’re still coping and I guarantee that you wouldn’t have written in for a dose of Coach Fabulous unless you believed, deep in your heart, that life holds something better for you.

You are literally at Year Zero of your new life, so what do you want to create? Right now, the best focus for your attention is finding work that makes your heart sing. It’s a pretty safe bet to guess that you’ve not exactly been over-stimulated by a job you’ve held for 13 years – there might have been changes in role in that time, but you’ve been in the same environment, so you are way overdue for a little thrill of the unknown. The best hunting ground for inspiration on what to do next is to look at what you love doing – the things you enjoy, what you do for leisure, the conversations you love to have and the books and magazines that you love to read are all clues. Think back to childhood too – are there any forgotten dreams lurking about that you always thought you’d get to someday? Well, ‘someday’ just rolled around.

Try out the ‘ideal day’ scenario. Get a pen and paper and start daydreaming about your perfect day. Go for broke and imagine what you want without limitations. If you want to ski in the morning, have lunch in Rome and then swim in the afternoon, go for it – it’s your fantasy. As wild as it gets, there will still be some kernel of truth in it, some clue to what you need to be doing. Go through the whole day, from the time you wake up, noticing who you’d like to have with you, what you’d like to be doing and where you’d like to be doing it. Pay attention to how many hours you’d like to be working and at what time of the day. Don’t assume that an ideal day is just leisure – if you’re on song, doing what you love, it won’t feel like work anyway.

Once you have that scenario mapped out, start analysing it, armed with the other clues you’ve found in the things you love to do. How could you be creative in turning fun into an occupation? For example, people who love clothes could be anything from fashion journalists, to stylists, textile designers, salespeople or window-dressers. These are all different expressions of the same core interest. When you know what you love, then you can find a way to live your purpose. As the philosopher Aristotle said, “Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation."

Really embrace the power of endless possibility. You’re not shackled by any limitation of relationship, job or responsibilities right now, so make the most of it. Make bold choices, try new things, meet new people, go to new places and say a big ‘yes’ to what life has to offer. You are in explorer mode – exploring yourself, what you like, what you want and how you’d like your world to look. Be open to enjoying that journey and don’t treat it like a punishment. It’s all going to come down to the attitude you have about the choices that face you. This can be one big joyful adventure of a future or a wistful, tearful look in the rear-view mirror at your past life. The choice is yours.

A book you might like to take a look at is the delightfully-named It’s Only Too Late If You Don’t Start Now: How To Create Your Second Life After40, by the New York Times bestselling author, Barbara Sher. It’s packed full of exercises for self-enquiry that will help you shift your perspective from one of loss to one of positive expectancy.

One final thought: find support where you can. Change is scary, even when we’re loving it, so nurture your friendships and find new ones. Treat yourself kindly, because no-one feels brave every day. If you need to have a weep, have one. Then wipe off the endangered species panda-style mascara stains from under your eyes and get out there and give yourself a treat. A massage will get you out of your head and into your body, a luxe beauty treatment will lift your spirits (and leave you looking better into the bargain) and trying a new therapy like crystal healing will help to keep body and soul in tune. When the going gets tough, the tough go spa-ing - that’s my motto and I hope it works for you too.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter