Friday, June 30, 2006

Through A Glass Darkly

Dear Coach Fabulous

My partner has a tendency to go on binge drinking bouts. It happens about once every 10 days. We had gone through a period when he seemed to be trying to stop doing it and was getting advice on life generally but now things seem to have gotten worse again.

He has on occasions left the shopping outside the house and the front door wide open. When he does oo this he just disappears and returns circa 1 or 2 am and then talks for hours keeping me awake. I have a stressful job and have had to rent a separate apartment so that I have somewhere to go when this happens.

I realise that he has an illness but he won't hear of it. My gut feeling is just to hang around and be there for him when he is trying because when he is not drinking we have a comfortable and loving relationship, despite all this. But he is making it impossible for me to continue, as he resents my income going on a rental accommodation when there is so much he wants to do with his house and he wants me to come in with him. I have told him that whilst the drinking continues I cannot do this.

This morning I arrived home to find a half empty bottle of vodka in the kitchen and him flat out when he should have been getting ready to go to work. I fear that he will lose his job is he continues in this way but it seems that nothing can stop him when he gets that call. I know some people stay with drunks and see them through. I also know that no one can really help him but himself. I just don't know what to do anymore as he will not hear me on this subject. There is also the dog to consider, as if I am not there he leaves the dog cooped up in one room sometimes for days on end, with disastrous results in the house. Despite all this he is an intelligent and loving person.

Baffled and Confused


Dear Baffled and Confused

My heart really goes out to you – this is a terrible way to live. You’ve gone to such extreme lengths to try to function in an impossible situation, but you’re going to have to face up to the fact that this is not going to change without some radical action on your part. Your partner clearly does not have the will to clean up his act either for himself or for you and your continued participation in the partnership is simply enabling him to stay stuck. Standing by him and allowing him to perpetuate the same destructive behaviour is not helping him and it’s certainly not helping you. Unless you are willing to admit this to yourself now, you are condemning yourself to a future filled with more of the same (and probably worse).

Your partner needs the kind of professional help that you are not qualified to give. If he will not seek it, then you need to take a stand for yourself and remove yourself from the situation, even if it is only temporarily. You already have a separate apartment, so this would not be difficult to arrange. If you’re worried about the dog, take it with you. Do not use any excuse to avoid taking this crucial step. The behaviour you are being subjected to is abusive and you need to start asking yourself why you are willing to put up with that. Loving someone is not a good enough reason to put yourself through this kind of torment.

The bonds of love between you are obviously very strong, or you wouldn’t have willingly subjected yourself to this kind of ordeal, but somehow that love has morphed into an inappropriate sense of responsibility for your partner. It might look like love, but it isn’t. Healthy love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your life for someone or put up with abusive behaviour. Somewhere along the line, taking care of your own needs has completely dropped off the radar. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a look at why you feel so much responsibility for him and so little for your own wellbeing.

Here’s the deal – if you carry on the way you are, it’s all downhill from here and he will have no incentive to change. If you step back and start to take care of yourself, he will either get his act together or carry on regardless. Either way, the only person you can guarantee to save is yourself. If he is determined to trash his own life, he’ll do it whether you’re there or not. Do you really want to be collateral damage in his own private game of crash and burn?

I know all of your friends have told you he’s bad for you and I’m going to sound just like that broken record, but if you really care for him, you need to know that the only thing that is going to shock him into action is if you withdraw and start to introduce consequences for his behaviour. Currently, he knows full well he can do what he likes and you’ll still be there. He has to know that you’re serious about building a life for yourself that includes a healthy relationship and he can be a part of that only if he’s willing to do the work on himself.

It will be hard for you to do this, but this is the only way to shift what is now a very ingrained situation. Make sure that you get all the help you possibly can, including some professional advice from an addiction support group like Al-Anon. I would also recommend that you find yourself a counsellor that you feel very comfortable with, who can support you in making the changes at your own pace, help you to unravel the complex emotional ties in this relationship and assist you in rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem. Friends can be helpful, but they are no substitute for a non-judgemental professional who can help you to see the situation with real clarity, while encouraging you to take the steps you need to take.

The good news is that you have already stood up for yourself by maintaining your separate apartment and refusing to invest in his property while he continues to drink. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Take heart – this will get better if you’re willing to do what needs to be done. As well as helping your partner, you’ll be learning to make yourself a priority in your own life. Start the process by taking very good care of yourself in even the smallest of ways. Treat yourself, take time out to do what you want to do instead of what you think you should do, and be kind to yourself. These small acts of self-care are the foundation for strong self-worth. Small choices lead to larger choices and then it won’t be long before you’ll be wondering how you could have put up with a situation like this for so long.

Even if you make changes now because you know it’s the right thing for him, I hope that very soon you’ll be making those changes because you know it’s the right thing for you and that you have become the priority in your own life.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

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