Reasons To Be Cheerful

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m trying to stay positive, but the recent breakup with my boyfriend is getting me down. I know that it was for the best, but a part of me is still finding it hard to let go and I’m always thinking about it. Why is this happening and how do I get him off my mind?

Crazy Little Thing Called Love


Dear Crazy Little Thing Called Love

It goes with the territory that when a relationship ends you’re going to be a bit obsessive about it, so give yourself a break on that one. Trying to work out why it happens is probably one of the biggest mind-traps going. Forget about that and concentrate on what to do when it happens.

When you’re having a bad ex day – which is rather like a bad hair day, but more annoying – what’s happening is that the pull of the past (or your current sadness) is stronger than the vision you hold for your future. First of all, it's fine to have them, so don't dishonour your feelings. Feel them as they come up – however sad and lonely they may be – then when they've been acknowledged, you can get on with creating your future, not looking back at over your shoulder at your past.

When the obsession feels really addictive, one way to shake the grip is to focus on remembering what didn't work for you in the relationship, rather than looking wistfully back at what did. Then put some energy into visualising the kind of relationship and life you'd actually like to have. Think of the qualities you want to find in your new partner and make sure you're already creating them in your own life, eg creativity, success, vision, focus, playfulness, kindness etc. Put some energy into being grateful for the good things and people that are here in your life right now that offer you support, love and friendship.

And just be kind to yourself. Everyone has bad hair (or bad ex) days. None of us is immune. As my friend Lothar – a barman, and therefore a font of wisdom (and profanity) – always used to say in a very droll manner, C'est la f****ing vie! If you don’t take it too seriously, your mood will lift and your cares will fade away. I recommend that particular mantra to be taken on an hourly basis when things are tough. It’s true radical acceptance in action, even if it’s not something for polite company!

Coach Fabulous


If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter