Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Dear Coach Fabulous
My partner and I have had a very turbulent past relationship but we have managed to come through an awful lot and become closer. Our relationship continues to deepen, to my amazement, in so many different ways. There’s always something new to learn, new places within it to go. Recently we undertook some counselling and it was helpful in that it opened up a lot of dialogue between us and I learned to see things from his point of view a lot more.
The problem now is that due to our differences in the past we now have jobs in separate towns an hour apart and as part of a “space required” exercise we now live separately during the week and get together at weekends.
My partner would like me to relocate back to his house, and I do understand the reasons why this would be a better idea - and I know I am at base happiest when we are together - but a part of me remembers the bad old days and is hesitant, another part of me so loves my current place of work and location and would be loath to give it up. It’s a bit like being a weekly boarder.
I know that at this point in our relationship it is crunch time we simply can’t go on in limbo but yet my partner does not appear to be willing to take the step of a full commitment such as marriage or civil partnership.
Any advice?
Standing At The Crossroads
Dear Standing At The Crossroads
There are a few red flags in your question, so let’s take them one at a time. It’s great that you’ve taken the step of getting counselling, but it’s slightly concerning that the result is that you’ve ‘learned to see things from his point of view more’. Ideally, you’d have learned to see each other’s point of view and find a compromise that works for both of you. It might just be the way you’ve expressed it, but from the rest of your question I’m getting the impression that the compromise is pretty much all down to you.
You like where you live and work, but your partner wants you to move to where he is. You clearly would like a greater level of commitment, but your partner is not willing to think in terms of civil partnership or marriage. From the small glimpse you’ve given me of your life, it doesn’t sound like you have a common vision of a future together, which is an essential if you want to build a life with someone. I’m reminded of the Antoine de Saint-Exupery quote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.”
Before you take any kind of step to change the structure of your life, you absolutely must be certain that choice will take you in the direction you want to go, not just where your partner would like you to go. The ‘bad old days’ will resurface if you don’t stand your ground and ensure that you’re happy with how things are unfolding within your relationship. A major commitment issue can be a dealbreaker. You need to decide if you can be happy with less of a commitment or if it’s a hurdle you just can’t get over. Do not try to postpone the decision until after you’ve relocated – that’s just asking for trouble. Moving to a new area and letting go of your own happy situation will be challenging and you want to know that you’re doing it because you’re secure in your relationship and have a shared vision of how you want your lives to unfold together.
With a lot of honest communication, even turbulent relationships can evolve into strong partnerships and it seems as though you’ve been doing a lot of work to try to make that happen. Don’t give up on that good work when it comes to ensuring that you’re both clear on how you see your future. If it’s really what you want, it won’t feel like a sacrifice. I’m suspecting it currently does because the commitment issue means more to you than you’ve been willing to admit. Stand your ground and make the choices that feel right to you. A strong partnership is one where you’re both willing to stand up for what’s right for you and to work together to find a solution that works for each of you.
Coach Fabulous
My partner and I have had a very turbulent past relationship but we have managed to come through an awful lot and become closer. Our relationship continues to deepen, to my amazement, in so many different ways. There’s always something new to learn, new places within it to go. Recently we undertook some counselling and it was helpful in that it opened up a lot of dialogue between us and I learned to see things from his point of view a lot more.
The problem now is that due to our differences in the past we now have jobs in separate towns an hour apart and as part of a “space required” exercise we now live separately during the week and get together at weekends.
My partner would like me to relocate back to his house, and I do understand the reasons why this would be a better idea - and I know I am at base happiest when we are together - but a part of me remembers the bad old days and is hesitant, another part of me so loves my current place of work and location and would be loath to give it up. It’s a bit like being a weekly boarder.
I know that at this point in our relationship it is crunch time we simply can’t go on in limbo but yet my partner does not appear to be willing to take the step of a full commitment such as marriage or civil partnership.
Any advice?
Standing At The Crossroads
Dear Standing At The Crossroads
There are a few red flags in your question, so let’s take them one at a time. It’s great that you’ve taken the step of getting counselling, but it’s slightly concerning that the result is that you’ve ‘learned to see things from his point of view more’. Ideally, you’d have learned to see each other’s point of view and find a compromise that works for both of you. It might just be the way you’ve expressed it, but from the rest of your question I’m getting the impression that the compromise is pretty much all down to you.
You like where you live and work, but your partner wants you to move to where he is. You clearly would like a greater level of commitment, but your partner is not willing to think in terms of civil partnership or marriage. From the small glimpse you’ve given me of your life, it doesn’t sound like you have a common vision of a future together, which is an essential if you want to build a life with someone. I’m reminded of the Antoine de Saint-Exupery quote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.”
Before you take any kind of step to change the structure of your life, you absolutely must be certain that choice will take you in the direction you want to go, not just where your partner would like you to go. The ‘bad old days’ will resurface if you don’t stand your ground and ensure that you’re happy with how things are unfolding within your relationship. A major commitment issue can be a dealbreaker. You need to decide if you can be happy with less of a commitment or if it’s a hurdle you just can’t get over. Do not try to postpone the decision until after you’ve relocated – that’s just asking for trouble. Moving to a new area and letting go of your own happy situation will be challenging and you want to know that you’re doing it because you’re secure in your relationship and have a shared vision of how you want your lives to unfold together.
With a lot of honest communication, even turbulent relationships can evolve into strong partnerships and it seems as though you’ve been doing a lot of work to try to make that happen. Don’t give up on that good work when it comes to ensuring that you’re both clear on how you see your future. If it’s really what you want, it won’t feel like a sacrifice. I’m suspecting it currently does because the commitment issue means more to you than you’ve been willing to admit. Stand your ground and make the choices that feel right to you. A strong partnership is one where you’re both willing to stand up for what’s right for you and to work together to find a solution that works for each of you.
Coach Fabulous
posted by Coach Fabulous at 5:39 pm
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