Cold Comfort

Dear Coach Fabulous

I'm in the throes of a break up and one of my close girlfriends virtually refuses to talk about it. We will be with friends and she'll hardly even ask how I'm feeling or coping. I think it could be because I've always been the 'mum' in the group, there to support everyone else, but I feel let down by her. I just can’t understand her behaviour and would like to have some support.

Somewhat Slightly Disappointed


Dear Somewhat Slightly Disappointed

The sad fact is that once we have been cast in a role in any kind of relationship – friendship, family or love – then it can be difficult to change that perception. It sounds like you have become the one to whom everyone else runs when they have problems, which in itself is a problem for you. When you’re in this role, a couple of things can happen: people will see you as the strong one and assume you don’t need help or it frightens them that you do, because you’re meant to be the one who has it all together. Either way, that leaves you without any real support when things get tough.

To shift this one, you need to take a look at the quality of your friendships and how much they are reflecting your life as it is now. If things were carrying on as normal, then you’d probably be happy with your appointed role, but as you’ve been going through changes, you’re realising that the status quo is not doing you any favours. Relationships are meant to be a fluid balance of give and take, with both parties giving and receiving support at various times. What you’re seeing now is that this particular friendship – and probably quite a few others – functions more like a one-way street, where you are locked into the role of the one who provides the support but doesn’t necessarily get any in return. This is a deeply disappointing kind of relationship to be in, especially when – as you have just learned – you finally look for some kind of support and it’s not there for you when you need it.

There’s a part of you that’s colluded with this arrangement, so the most helpful thing to do is not to blame your friend for her lack of support, but to look at why you would find yourself in relationships like this in the first place. Part of your identity is tied up with helping others, but another part of you isn’t comfortable receiving that same support in return. So, as ever, this comes down to your self-worth – how much do you think you deserve to be listened to and comforted? You’re well-practiced at giving but you’re not good at all when it comes to receiving.

In an ideal world, people would instinctively give us the help and comfort we need, but we are by no means living in an ideal world. So, in order for you to shift out of this role and into more balanced relationships, it’s time for you to take responsibility for getting the support you need and learn to ask for it. Start in small ways, asking for help with practical things or making sure that you express how you feel, so that conversations aren’t always just about everyone else. Expect some resistance, as people won’t be expecting you to be taking centre stage a little more, but persevere. Every time you stand up for what you need, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that you are worth people’s time, love and support. Every time you let someone help you, you are learning the art of receiving and giving them the gift of letting them be the strong one for a change.

With this particular friend, try talking to her about it, but not in a challenging way. If she deflects the conversation away from what you want to talk about, then gently bring it back to that issue. If it keeps happening, you might want to ask her why she seems to be uncomfortable talking about it – you never know, it may be because it brings up feelings of a painful breakup for her, rather than because she doesn’t want to support you. This is really about you learning to create equitable relationships, which is going to require you to claim a little airtime for yourself in relationships where you’re accustomed to being the listener. This may be awkward for a while, as your friends adjust, and there is a possibility that some never will. It’s at that point you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to be stuck in the listening role or if you’re going to find yourself some friendships where there’s mutual support.

This is a new voyage of discovery for you. You’ve seen that some of your patterns of relating aren’t helpful to you, so the fun part is now learning to create ones that are. You’re on a mission to notice what’s working and what’s not, in a dispassionate way. When you’re aware of what doesn’t work for you, you then have the power to change it. This is an opportunity for you to learn to create much more fulfilling relationships for yourself and a stronger sense of self-worth. Forget the disappointment, get inspired to make some changes and get ready to enjoy the adventure.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

The Enemy Within

Dear Coach Fabulous

I've been making a series of major changes in my life - work, love life, friendships - and I've finally figured out what it is I really want to be and do. I've started on the path but sometimes feel overwhelmed by the changes that I still have to make. I know life would be easier to stay stuck but I just can't - my body and mind just won’t let me. It’s like I know I want to do this but I just can't seem to believe that I can or that I'll be successful. I think that I'm still afraid of failing and who I am kidding that I can do this?! I think a bit of it is, if I don't do it then I still have the hope of doing it, but if I do and fail then I have nothing left. How do I get out of this cycle?

Frozen


Dear Frozen

You’ve pretty much diagnosed yourself, so there’s not a great deal for me to add here, apart from a few techniques. We can be as afraid of succeeding as we are of failure and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place because you’re clearly afraid of both. But, believe me, you are not alone. What you’ve described is a fairly succinct description of the human condition – being as fearful of getting something we want as not getting it – for we are all a mass of contradictions.

This is never more evident than when we’re about to stretch ourselves outside our familiar little comfort zone. That’s the time when, despite all our optimism for change, all our insecurities will rise to the surface. They might not be true, but they do feel very real. When this happens, you really need to employ some good old-fashioned zen-like detachment and simply observe the rubbish that pops up in your head without engaging with it on an emotional level. It’s one thing to notice that an insecure thought is popping up and it’s another to identify with it so closely that you start to think it’s real. When you’re about to go into a downer about yourself, pay attention to what’s coming up and ask yourself ‘Is this the truth about me?’. Stay detached and simply observe what comes up. Keep asking that same question until you can honestly answer ‘no’. If it helps, gather evidence in your mind about why it’s not so, remembering positive instances in your life where that particular nasty brand of thought was so not true, it’s laughable. Keep going with this and you’ll be able to work it through and come out feeling much brighter.

When you can get beyond the negative thoughts, start making a note of all the evidence that points to why you will succeed. Make a list of past successes, ways you’ve grown, people you can count on for support and talents or resources that you possess. Just seeing that all down on paper should give you a confidence boost. We so rarely take the time to celebrate our achievements, yet that’s what gives us the confidence to go forward in life. Know that you’ve made big changes before and you’ll do it again. Don’t forget the power of visualisation either – make sure you see yourself achieving your goal and notice how you will feel when you do that. The more you can tap into positive emotions, the more powerful your will to succeed will be. When you can master your emotions, you will have defeated the enemy within. The next step is to harness that power to create exactly what you want.

If you’re willing to devote some time every day to imagining yourself totally successful in what you want to achieve and allowing yourself to fully feel all of those positive emotions as though they’re happening now, you will power through your current resistance. The sheer impetus of that increase in positive emotion will push you forward with confidence. Of course you still have to take the actions necessary to support your plan, but the emotional mastery is the fuel in your tank that will overcome any inertia. What stops us in our tracks is rarely an outside obstacle, but usually an inside job of lack of self-confidence and an inability to fully embrace a vision of ourselves as successful. Make an investment in yourself by seeing yourself happily making all the changes you’ve envisioned and more. Then keep affirming to yourself that it’s true. Have a zero-tolerance policy towards undermining yourself with self-doubt. When you’re about to go down that road, just stop and reaffirm your choice to believe in yourself and your future success.

When your confidence dips, don’t be hard on yourself about feeling the way you do. No-one feels great about themselves 24/7 – that’s a completely unrealistic expectation. Know that it’s perfectly OK for your feelings of self-esteem to fluctuate. What’s important is that you get back on track as quickly as you can and don’t wallow in the mire of negative self-talk.

One practical way of working on your self-image is through A Course In Miracles, which is a system of spiritual psychology that includes a workbook of exercises to do each day for a year. It can be an acquired taste, as the wisdom is couched in quite strongly Christian terms, but the best user-friendly introduction to it is A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. The core of the Course’s teachings is that we are all good and innocent at heart. When you can really know that this is absolutely the truth about you, then letting all the rubbish drop away becomes so much easier. I’d recommend reading A Return To Love as a primer, then doing the exercises from the Course as a daily ritual to support you in having the confidence to make new choices for yourself.

Change is always risky, but it’s infinitely preferable to staying stuck. As Baz Lurhmann so quaintly noted in his film Strictly Ballroom, vivir con miedo es vivir a medias – a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. So don’t keep yourself on half rations – take courage and go for the Full Monty, however scary that might be.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Six Characters In Search Of An Author

Dear Coach Fabulous

I'm a recently-divorced, 40 year-old woman who is living in temporary rented accommodation with no friends or family nearby and feeling very isolated. I handed in my notice at work yesterday after 13 years with the same company (this was a rather rash thing for me to do). I just feel the need to get away, anywhere, and start a new life because I can't stop thinking about my failed marriage and previous relationships. My ex-husband is now living with someone else! I feel a failure: single at 40, no children, no real family or support network to speak of and then I feel guilty for feeling so self-pitying! Help...where do I go from here, I'm lost!

Cast Adrift


Dear Cast Adrift

You may feel lost at sea right now, but you are in a sea of endless possibilities - it’s up to you whether you focus on what you don’t have or where you want to go from here. As in the Pirandello play, Six Characters In Search Of An Author, you must accept that life is full of absurdities that don’t need to appear plausible simply because they are true. Yes, you are 40, on your own, feeling isolated and probably more than a little scared at starting again on the work front, but that doesn’t make you a failure. It may not be the circumstance that you might have expected for yourself at this time in your life, but there are unlived parts of yourself that are crying out for attention and are more than capable of turning this particular sow’s ear into a silk purse.

The real issue is that it’s time for you to be the author of your own life. That’s a monstrously terrifying prospect for most of us, yet your soul has thrown you into a circumstance where you have no choice but to paint yourself a new picture and write yourself a new story. You can spend a lot of time stuck in regret, beating yourself up about how this came to be, or you can roll your sleeves up and shout ‘bring it on!’. However you choose to approach this, you always have a choice. If you’re determined to suffer, you will. Equally, if you’re willing to embrace this opportunity, you’ll rise phoenix-like from the ashes. Will it be easy? No. Is it what you’re meant to do? Yes.

I salute your bravery in handing in your notice after 13 years in the midst of all these other huge changes. That speaks volumes about your courage, even if now you are wondering if you’ve made a mistake. It was a gutsy move – a part of you is clearly ready for a clean slate and you’ve just cleared the board in one fell swoop.

So where do you go from here? Well, this is going to take a bit of time for reflection, so you can get clear on how you want to live your life from now on. You’ve expressed a desire to get away and that’s a very good thing as long as you’re using it for the purposes of self-knowledge rather than escape. Getting into a new environment for a short period will help you to put a bit of psychological distance between you and the past, but I wouldn’t recommend relocating right now. That’s just geography – you may move, but your problems will go with you, so while you might feel better for a little while, anything unresolved will still rear its ugly head, even if you’re in a fabulous new place. Equally, you could head off somewhere on a whim, only to find it’s not the right place for you when the dust has settled and you’re clearer on your purpose. That can be an expensive mistake to make, so for now just focus on finding somewhere peaceful that you can spend some time in contemplation, rather than making any permanent moves.

First, you need to grieve the breakdown of your marriage. Whether it was good or bad, there’s still a heartbreak around not being able to make it work that will take some time to pass. There’s healthy grieving and there’s unhealthy grieving, so be aware of how you’re thinking about it. Healthy grieving acknowledges the loss, but also acknowledges the truth about the relationship and takes on board any lessons you need to learn. Unhealthy grieving is where you blame yourself for the relationship coming to an end and dwell on all the things you think you could have done to save it. You need to come to an acceptance that the relationship is over because it needs to be, that there is a purpose in you moving on with your life and that your future can be better than your past. If you cannot learn to hold those thoughts as your main focus, you’re in for a world of unnecessary pain. Be kind to yourself right now – you’ve found yourself separated from most of the things that we take refuge in, yet you’re still coping and I guarantee that you wouldn’t have written in for a dose of Coach Fabulous unless you believed, deep in your heart, that life holds something better for you.

You are literally at Year Zero of your new life, so what do you want to create? Right now, the best focus for your attention is finding work that makes your heart sing. It’s a pretty safe bet to guess that you’ve not exactly been over-stimulated by a job you’ve held for 13 years – there might have been changes in role in that time, but you’ve been in the same environment, so you are way overdue for a little thrill of the unknown. The best hunting ground for inspiration on what to do next is to look at what you love doing – the things you enjoy, what you do for leisure, the conversations you love to have and the books and magazines that you love to read are all clues. Think back to childhood too – are there any forgotten dreams lurking about that you always thought you’d get to someday? Well, ‘someday’ just rolled around.

Try out the ‘ideal day’ scenario. Get a pen and paper and start daydreaming about your perfect day. Go for broke and imagine what you want without limitations. If you want to ski in the morning, have lunch in Rome and then swim in the afternoon, go for it – it’s your fantasy. As wild as it gets, there will still be some kernel of truth in it, some clue to what you need to be doing. Go through the whole day, from the time you wake up, noticing who you’d like to have with you, what you’d like to be doing and where you’d like to be doing it. Pay attention to how many hours you’d like to be working and at what time of the day. Don’t assume that an ideal day is just leisure – if you’re on song, doing what you love, it won’t feel like work anyway.

Once you have that scenario mapped out, start analysing it, armed with the other clues you’ve found in the things you love to do. How could you be creative in turning fun into an occupation? For example, people who love clothes could be anything from fashion journalists, to stylists, textile designers, salespeople or window-dressers. These are all different expressions of the same core interest. When you know what you love, then you can find a way to live your purpose. As the philosopher Aristotle said, “Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation."

Really embrace the power of endless possibility. You’re not shackled by any limitation of relationship, job or responsibilities right now, so make the most of it. Make bold choices, try new things, meet new people, go to new places and say a big ‘yes’ to what life has to offer. You are in explorer mode – exploring yourself, what you like, what you want and how you’d like your world to look. Be open to enjoying that journey and don’t treat it like a punishment. It’s all going to come down to the attitude you have about the choices that face you. This can be one big joyful adventure of a future or a wistful, tearful look in the rear-view mirror at your past life. The choice is yours.

A book you might like to take a look at is the delightfully-named It’s Only Too Late If You Don’t Start Now: How To Create Your Second Life After40, by the New York Times bestselling author, Barbara Sher. It’s packed full of exercises for self-enquiry that will help you shift your perspective from one of loss to one of positive expectancy.

One final thought: find support where you can. Change is scary, even when we’re loving it, so nurture your friendships and find new ones. Treat yourself kindly, because no-one feels brave every day. If you need to have a weep, have one. Then wipe off the endangered species panda-style mascara stains from under your eyes and get out there and give yourself a treat. A massage will get you out of your head and into your body, a luxe beauty treatment will lift your spirits (and leave you looking better into the bargain) and trying a new therapy like crystal healing will help to keep body and soul in tune. When the going gets tough, the tough go spa-ing - that’s my motto and I hope it works for you too.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

Dear Coach Fabulous

How can we, as women, enter into spiritual growth wholeheartedly when a part of that process means serving others and letting go of our ego?

This seems to be a major contradiction to the way we have been fighting to live our lives over the past few decades.

How can we retain our self-worth as individuals, or do we need it at all? Is our natural spiritual state to serve others?

Feminista


Dear Feminista

This is big territory we’re in here, so this will be a wide-ranging discussion. First of all, let’s not imagine a war between spirituality and feminism (or even femininity). If anything, the emerging spirituality of our times values the feminine spirit far more than traditional religion has done for millennia, so that’s progress. Secondly, we have an opportunity now to redefine our feminine power. Having spent decades trying to be like men in the workplace, suddenly the workplace is now beginning to value what are called the ‘softer’ skills of empathy, teamwork and emotional intelligence. It’s time for us to embrace our natural qualities and strengths, in order to redress the imbalance and inequalities in our society without having to disown who we are in the process. It’s not about male or female being better than each other, but learning to come into balance with the masculine and feminine qualities within ourselves.

All men have a female aspect to their personality, as all women have a male aspect to theirs. We fail to acknowledge the totality of ourselves when we limit our understanding to the perceptions and behaviour of a single gender. The optimum way to function in the world is to maintain the delicate balance between the qualities of the feminine and the masculine, as depicted by the yin/yang symbol of the Tao. What this implies is that we will honour our talents for inspiration and empathy as much as we do the ability to take action and achieve in the world. Yin and yang qualities – passive and active – may be attributed to the feminine and the masculine, but that doesn’t mean all women are exclusively passive and receptive, nor that all men are exclusively active and assertive. These may be natural tendencies, but they are only part of the story.

Having clarified that our challenge in life is not a battle but a balance of the sexes, let’s look at service – what it is and what it is not. Pure service is open-hearted giving to others, without agenda or seeking a specific return. Service comes from being the true expression of who you are, which naturally flows with open-heartedness and compassion. However, we often confuse service with sacrifice, as though we must lose or give away a part of ourselves in order to serve another. This is a distortion of service where the giving is done with an underlying intention of getting something in return, even if it doesn’t look like it on the surface.

To grasp a healthier concept of service, drink in this statement by the Dalai Lama, defining his spiritual beliefs: “My religion is kindness”. Service is not servitude. It is kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit. When we are giving from the wellspring of our authentic selves, service is as natural to us as breathing. It is not – and does not feel like – punishment, suffering or being made to feel less than another. There is no master and slave in true service, only sharing.

Now, back to the feminist dilemma – if we let go of ego, will we let go of our self-worth and the ground we have gained in creating a society of equality? The answer is: only if you have a poor definition of ego. The common perception of ego is that it is the bedrock of our self-worth and our self-esteem and what protects us from becoming downtrodden by others. In a spiritual sense, the real definition of ego is that it is just a personality construct that we have built around our true selves, that – rather than protecting us – actually holds us back.

When you are aligned with the truth of who you are, you don’t need an elaborate ego structure to take care of you because you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without the need to be defensive. You know that there’s a divine spark within you and you can see that in others. Your natural instinct is to be kind and compassionate – you’re not doing it because you think you should, but because it’s just who you are. That is the embodiment of true service. The spiritual paradox is that by letting go of the false (ego) self, you enter the realm of the true self, where flow, abundance and real joy are found. We tend to think that by being of service we will somehow end up worse off, yet the opposite is true. That dynamic of suffering only applies when you are in servitude and sacrifice, not service.

To conclude, genuine self-worth comes from knowing who you really are and living authentically. When you do that, you enter the flow of life where there is no conflict between spirituality, service and the power of being a woman. How could there be? Your life is a spiritual journey towards remembering the truth of who you are as a soul and knowing that each and every one of us holds that beauty and divine spark within us, whether we’re from Venus or from Mars.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter