Thursday, March 30, 2006

Drowning In The Sea Of Love

Dear Coach Fabulous

At the beginning of a relationship the guy is always more into me than I’m into him but then suddenly the balance changes and I feel like I am having to chase him around? How can keep a healthy balance?

Incurable Romantic


Dear Incurable Romantic

I suspect the change is not as sudden as you might think. I know that you find it bewildering, but the truth is that when you enter a new relationship you are often at your most vulnerable in terms of your self-worth. On the surface, it’s all rose-coloured glasses and loved-up bliss, but underneath, the parts of you that have experienced rejection and pain before are keeping a careful watch to ensure it doesn’t happen again or trying to maintain the relationship at all costs. This hyper-vigilance can lead to a couple of approaches that may result in your partner withdrawing from you: guardedness and neediness. Either way, these are both issues of self-worth.

In the guarded approach, you’re not trusting your own judgement enough to relax fully into the relationship, so you keep a tight rein on your emotions, making it difficult for your new amour to get to know you. He may pull back from you if he senses this, as his own fear of rejection rises up. What you then have is a stalemate between two people who are both frightened of being hurt. Only you can know if you are pushing someone away through a fear of what might happen if you really connect. If this feels like your situation, the way forward is through intimacy and communication. Be willing to be just a little more vulnerable and take a risk to let your lover know how you really feel.

The other – and quite probably more likely – scenario is that as soon as the relationship gets beyond the early stages, your unresolved lack of self-worth arises in the form of neediness. It goes something like this: in the beginning, the balance of power seems equal, but as you begin to invest yourself more into it, you plunge in headlong, desperately wanting to hold on to the relationship. Neediness is a deeply unattractive energy, as we all know. Think back to any relationship you’ve had where the other person wanted it much more than you did and remember just how off-putting that was. It’s repellent to us because, deep down, we all know that neediness is not genuinely about someone wanting us as a partner, but it’s about them using us to fill a gaping emotional hole in themselves.

People are incredibly intuitive, whether they acknowledge it or not. If the men in your life are pulling away from you, there’s more than likely a neediness-inspired ‘push-pull’ dynamic at work. The more you push towards them, the more they withdraw. That you feel you have to do the chasing is in itself an issue. Genuinely healthy self-esteem is about accepting yourself, knowing that you’re fine (alone or in relationship) and only wanting to develop relationships with people who can love and appreciate you. Neediness is always going to arise, because we all have unresolved painful issues in life, but it’s a matter of catching it when it does and being aware of what you’re doing. With that awareness, you can choose to work on your own self-worth until the question becomes ‘Is he the right person for me’, rather than ‘Why doesn’t he want me?’

There may also be something you need to look at around a pattern of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable. We tend to replicate the emotional patterns we encountered in our early years. If we have not had a lot of emotional support or closeness, that feels familiar to us, which explains the pull of attraction when another emotionally-closed partner shows up. Again, the way forward comes through being really honest with yourself about what’s going on and refraining from self-attack. Forget fretting about why he doesn’t want to be close to you and start asking yourself ‘Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?’

It may feel like there’s a sudden turnaround from both being equally enamoured to you feeling unwanted, but believe me the signs are there from day one. Pay attention to the feelings that are coming up for you. Don’t push down or deny the uncomfortable ones and don’t fall into the ‘all men are bastards’ trap of parcelling out the blame. We are complicit in how we let people treat us. If there’s a pattern going on, you’re the common factor in each of those cases. Don’t use that to attack yourself, but to realise that you have the power of choice here. A loving, balanced relationship is what you want and is absolutely what you will have if you are willing to do the inner work necessary to build up your own sense of self-esteem. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who knows her own value.

Finally, I am going to admit a guilty secret. As much as I truly and whole-heartedly loathe the game-playing inherent in dating strategies like The Rules, I have to admit that they have hit upon a fundamental truth – it is never good to chase a man. It just doesn’t work. Decades of feminism and equality have not eroded the historic basic tenet of male-female relationships: they like to be the ones to do the chasing. We may not like it, but that's the way it is. So, get smart and remember that it’s allure that is most attractive, not total availability.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Still Waters Run Deep



Dear Coach Fabulous

I've been trying to meditate for about 20 years now but I just cannot settle down to do it - still! I really need to do it now for the sake of my health. How do I begin and how do I stop that awful feeling of 'I should be doing something else'?

Good Intentions ‘GI’ Jane


Dear GI Jane

Being named after an action movie heroine is probably quite a strong clue as to why you’re encountering so much difficulty with simply sitting still. In Western society we have a mad obsession with doing and getting, that tends to make us believe that any form of inaction is inherently valueless. Take that one step further into your own psyche and you will see that if you equate your self-worth solely with your achievements, then it will diminish if you’re not engaged in activity. To break that pattern, it will help to be clear on the value and purpose of meditation for you and also not to treat it as a ‘should’. If it’s just another item on the to-do list, then it’ll simply be yet another activity that will be hard to approach with any sense of joy.

Most people come to meditation to learn to quieten their minds and find a sense of inner peace, but there are also profound restorative health benefits that a regular practice will bring. There is a delicate ebb and flow between the alertness and vigilance of your sympathetic nervous system, which deals with stressful situations by tensing up muscles and speeding up thought processes, and your parasympathetic nervous system, which takes over when the danger has passed, decreasing your heartbeat, relaxing blood vessels and clearing away toxins. When the parasympathetic is allowed to take over, healing and restoration can take place, but if the sympathetic or ‘active’ state remains hyper-vigilant, there is no space for recuperation. Chronic stress and illness are the likely outcomes. Meditation will not only calm your mind, but it will allow your body to return to its natural self-healing state of balance.

Meditation also creates a state of relaxation where you have free-flowing access to your emotions and your intuition. If your mind is over-active, constantly dwelling on a particular problem, it can be extremely difficult to know how you truly feel about it with any real sense of clarity. As your mind is stilled through meditation, you can break through those repetitive thought patterns into the underlying emotions that can be a far more accurate guide to what is in your heart, rather than what you think you should do.

A clear mind is also a creative mind. As you develop your own powers of focus, insights and inspirations will naturally come to you. The meditative state is one of the most powerfully creative states of mind you can access. You can use it to inspire your work, your relationships or any area of life that could do with a boost. So, Ms Activity Addict, there’s no need to feel guilty about ‘not doing’ when you’re meditating, because there’s a power of good going on, even if it looks like you’re just sitting still.

To get a regular practice going, you’re going to have to walk the fine line between being disciplined and not trying too hard. If you can set aside a regular time and place, that will help, as your body responds to routine. If you give it the same cues every time, for example sitting in a certain place or a particular posture, then it will begin to relax as soon as you sit down. Using a scented candle is also a great anchor: pick a relaxing scent that you only use when meditating and your brain will respond to the aroma and begin to calm the mind through its association with the scent. Make it easy on yourself and use every trick in the book to get your body and mind into the habit of relaxation.

The easiest times of day for regular practice are morning, immediately upon wakening, and at night, just before you go to sleep. Morning works well because you’re already relaxed and your mind is still calm and unstimulated. Evening practice allows some pre-bedtime quieting down and prepares you to slip gently into sleep. Use these times for your deeper meditations and then take advantage of random ‘down-time’ moments during the day for quick sessions of mindfulness meditation. For example, you can use the time you spend in the supermarket or bank queues to focus on slowing your breath and repeat a simple, positive phrase such as ‘I am at peace’, ‘I have all the time I need’ or the classic ‘I Am Fabulous’ mantra. The trick is to slow the pace of your breathing and your mind will naturally follow by calming down.

If you’re just starting out in meditation, don’t try to force yourself to sit for extended periods. If your mind is not used to focusing, even a couple of minutes can feel difficult. Start out by simply concentrating on your breath, noticing the air pass over your upper lip as you breathe in and out through your nose. When thoughts occur – as they will – just let them pass away and return your focus to your breathing. This is the simplest form of meditation and even just five minutes will make a difference to your sense of well-being and inner poise. Build up your stamina over time and vary your practice to keep a sense of adventure in your approach to meditation. There are walking meditations, chants and guided meditations, as well as healing and blessing practices. All the great spiritual traditions have contemplative practices that you can explore and enjoy. Find the ones that touch your heart and meditation will no longer feel like an obligation and become something you love to do.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Stuck In The Middle

Dear Coach Fabulous

I am trying to shed my family role as mediator and all things to all people. I realise I enjoy the role, but I’m compromising my relationship and my energy. I fight everyone else's corner, usually without them even knowing, but no-one fights mine.

I am finding it hard to find my parameters here. How much should I let go of this worthy role? Should I let them all fend for themselves once and for all and let them feel the full force of each other's (usually unjust) wrath?

Persephone


Dear Persephone

It’s appropriate that you chose that pseudonym, as Persephone herself was trapped in a cycle of dysfunctional family dynamics. If you recall the Greek myth, she was abducted by the God of the Underworld and forced to remain there in the darkness for part of the year, mourned by her mother the harvest goddess Demeter, who refuses to let anything grow in the winter months when Persephone is with Hades. It’s the perfect metaphor for how we lose our own vitality when we are trapped in a role that no longer serves us.

Your own story is one of service and sacrifice and learning how to be truly helpful, not only to others, but to yourself. When you are in service, giving assistance freely and joyfully, then that energy is multiplied and you will feel uplifted by your interactions with others. When you are in sacrifice, acting out of duty or guilt, then equally that energy expands and you find yourself feeling exhausted and depleted. Apart from the effect on you, in a sacrificial role you aren’t actually helping others, you’re simply enabling them to carry on in the same vein. Without your intervention to keep the peace, your family members would have to find their own equilibrium with each other.

This dynamic undoubtedly extends beyond your family and must be affecting other areas of your life. It seems that quite early on you have taken on the role of mediator and placator, which will make it hard for you to define your own boundaries and be willing to stand up for yourself. So much of your energy is going into supporting others that there is very little available for you. Contrary to the messages many of us have internalised from early on in life, taking care of yourself is not selfish. If you fail to nourish yourself, you won’t be well enough or have enough energy to help anyone else anyway. The sooner you overcome an over-developed sense of “it’s better to give than receive” and begin to take care of your own energy, the sooner you will have the vitality and the awareness to be truly helpful to others, rather than giving in to that knee-jerk reaction to save them from themselves. That’s called rescuing, not helping.

Breaking this cycle will take some getting used to, so be gentle with yourself as you do. Your intentions have been good, wanting to care for others, but in doing so you have undermined yourself. Part of your identity is now wrapped up in your ability to keep the peace. That’s a great talent to have, being able to defuse difficult circumstances, but it doesn’t need to be a habit, especially at your own expense. Use it wisely and become aware of how you naturally slip into this role.

To change the habit of a lifetime, sometimes you need to exchange one way of behaving for another, until the triggers cease to set you off. I’d suggest thinking of some new habit you could cultivate, that is beneficial to you, to be used whenever the same old dynamics arise. That might be as simple as going for a walk, changing the subject or taking some quiet time to yourself. There’s no need to make it hard for yourself and stay in the line of fire in the early days. Over time you will learn to be in the same circumstance and simply let it pass by without affecting you, but initially getting out of the way will be the easiest way to effect a change.

This doesn’t mean avoiding standing up for yourself, but simply not engaging in other people’s hostilities unnecessarily. A good rule of thumb to check your own motivation when facing this issue is to notice how you feel when the circumstance arises. If you feel positive about intervening and that stepping in can be truly helpful, go ahead, but if the emotions are all about duty and guilt and feeling like you have to, then step well away. Chances are that you are just helping to perpetuate a cycle of dysfunctional relating and that you are in sacrifice.

A final thought – your worthiness is not tied up with doing worthy things. Who you are is enough. You’re fabulous in your own right and you don’t need to earn other people’s love and approval. If you fill your life with a commitment to being the real you and treating yourself with respect, your good will naturally overflow to others. You won’t need to try to make that happen. And you’ll be full of energy and happy to use your mediation skills where they can be truly useful.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Spoiled for Choice



Dear Coach Fabulous

I’ve got some serious life-changing decisions to make right now and I don’t know whether to go with my head or my heart. I seem to swing between the two and always worry that I’ll be making the wrong choice. Help!

Wild at Heart

Dear Wild at Heart

Rule one is never to make a decision when you’re in a mental tornado of stress. You can pretty much guarantee that will result in a fiasco. As the great sage, Van Wilder, of Party Liaison film fame, says “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” Get calm, take the pressure off yourself and get ready for some relaxed, creative thinking.

In the head/heart decision-making dilemma, the answer is never either/or, but both. What’s in your heart is your passion, what you love to do, and an instinct for becoming the kind of person you want to be. What’s in your head is a goldmine of strategies and creative techniques for making things happen, but it can also include a lot of limiting thoughts about what’s possible for you. If the heart is exclusively in charge, the kinds of choices you make can tend to be impulsive, ungrounded and quite probably ill-judged. If the head rules, you may be paralysed by fear and indecision or pursue a dream that is more important to others than to you.

The key to making choices that reflect who you really are is the order in which you approach the head and the heart. The secret is to let the heart be the driver and let your head use its navigating talents – a creative tension that allows you to be all you can be, but also makes sure you take the necessary steps to make your dream a reality.

If you’re doing the thought tornado tailspin of mental activity, you’re unlikely to be able to access any deep inner feelings or intuition about the issue until you calm your mind down. This applies to any kind of choice, big or small, and is helpful for regaining clarity in the middle of a busy working day.

So how do you transform inner turmoil into inner peace, to help you get some clarity on your choices? First of all, break the pattern. Sitting there doing the same thing and expecting a different result clearly won’t work. The trick to calming the mind is to get into your body. Any form of gentle exercise or massage will do it. Get outside, go for a walk or do some deep breathing, which will instantly take the edge off your frazzled nerves. The slower the breath, the slower your thought patterns will tend to be.

When you’re relaxed, try looking at what your heart and your head are telling you independently. First the heart: ask yourself what you would do if you had total freedom (ie no financial constraints, no-one else’s opinion, no limits) – would this be your ideal choice? If it’s not, look further into what you’d really like to do, by imagining your ideal scenario (how you’d live, what you’d be doing, who you’d be with). If that’s hard to imagine, conjure up some dreams from childhood or adolescence – remember what was important to you then and who your role models were. How does that resonate with the choice you’re about to make – is that option taking you closer to what you want or further away?

Next, let your mind run riot. What is it telling you to do? Do a pros and cons list if that helps. Now look at what seem to be the practical choices and ask if they’re really true or are they based on fear (of rejection, failure, risk)? Do the recommendations sound like the real you or are they the kinds of advice you’ve heard from friends, family or colleagues?

To get the head and the heart working in sync, let your heart define the dream and let your head create the blueprint for how that dream can be achieved. The more closely you are in tune with your own values and passions, the more effective your decision-making will be in helping you to create a life that is meaningful for you.

The tricky part can be knowing when there’s a real constraint or if you just need to push yourself beyond a comfort zone. I would cite most American Idol or X-Factor contestants as proof positive that having a dream is not enough - you have to have talent as well. Some helpful questions can be: do I have all the resources (talent, finance, support) to make this possible and if not, where might I find them? Another killer question can be: is this the right time? As the old adage goes, nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come. Equally, nothing is a greater disaster than an idea past its prime.

Finally, the benchmark test when faced with making a decision between two clear choices is to get quiet, close your eyes and imagine walking down a path until you meet a fork in the road. Follow the signpost for the first choice and notice how it feels and what the landscape looks like. Does it feel light and joyful or heavier and less comfortable? Do the same for the second choice and see how it measures up. Your imagination and feelings can give you a clear signal when all else fails.

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Saturday, March 04, 2006

You Shall Go To The Ball

Dear Coach Fabulous

People say nice things to me and give me positive feedback but somehow the good stuff just doesn't stick. Before I know it I am back to seeing the inadequacies and negative things in myself. Why does the negative stuff stick and the positive disappear all too quickly?

Cinderella

Dear Cinderella

It’s about learning to treat yourself in a kinder way. Compliments and appreciation from others will just disappear in an overwhelming tide of self-criticism if you’re not paying attention to making your internal dialogue a positive one.

From our earliest years we make decisions about life and how to take care of ourselves based on the responses we get from others. Unfortunately very few of the authority figures we encounter (parents, teachers, managers) know how to help us learn through positive feedback, so the kinds of voices that we tend to internalise are punitive ones. As we take on board their responses to us and develop coping strategies for life, we create an internalised voice or ‘inner judge’ that aims to protect us and keep us on the straight and narrow. Before you know it, this inner voice of self-correction runs riot and you become your own harshest critic. Your internal voice is the Ugly Stepsister of self-attack, always telling you that you’re wrong, unattractive and definitely not good enough to go to the ball.

So how do you shut her up? It’s easier than you think. The Ugly Stepsister is empowered by attention. She’s a part of your personality, so fighting her and telling her that she’s wrong is just going to lead to more self-attack and make that sense of inadequacy even stronger. This is one you have to love into submission. When that voice rises up, thank it for sharing and get on with something else, like reminding yourself of a recent success or compliment. Try having a laugh at just how ludicrous those critical thoughts can be if you imagine them being voiced by an Ugly Stepsister who looks like a pantomime dame – this will take the charge out of them and help you to see that it’s not reality, just an old way of coping that no longer serves you.

Most importantly, just get in the habit of observing the quality of your internal dialogue. How you talk to yourself affects how you feel and how others feel about you. Nothing destroys your self-confidence faster than the voice of self-attack.

To do some deeper work on transforming the ‘inner judge’, you can also do a simple meditation to open a dialogue with this sub-personality. Try getting quiet for a few minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine that it’s sitting in front of you, ready for a chat. Just let it appear in whatever form first arises. For some people it will appear as a person, for others it can be an animal or a cartoon character. Go with whatever works for you – if you like the Ugly Stepsister imagery, use that. Start talking to it and ask what it’s trying to do for you. When you know what it thinks its job is, thank it for all its effort and ask if it’s willing to help you in another way. Tell it what you’d like to create in your life and ask if it would like to be a part of that. Give it a new job that will assist you in a positive way.

This could be anything that appeals to the vigilant nature of this sub-personality and helps you in achieving your goal, for example letting you know when you’re overdoing it and need to take a break. When you’re done, thank it for its help and gently return your attention to the room. It sounds deceptively simple, but this sub-personality work can be very powerful. The more lovingly you treat yourself (and your sub-personalities), the happier and more confident you will be.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Ready For A Walk On The Wild Side?


If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent).

Keep your question short and sweet, choose your pseudonym and fire in an email. You can be frank or funny, serious or silly, just get writing. That’s all you need to do. Coach Fabulous will take care of the rest.