Mad About The Boy

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m newly single and a little nervous at being back on the dating scene. What’s bothering me most is that I find myself obsessing about almost every man I date, wondering if he’s going to be ‘the one’. When it doesn’t turn out that way, I’m deeply disappointed and become quite depressed. How can I stop myself from reacting so intensely and learn to give new relationships the breathing space to develop at their own pace?

Coming On Strong

Dear Coming On Strong

First of all, the big clue is that you are newly single. This is a part of your life that you can really enjoy, if you’re willing to see it as a period of self-discovery, rather than a fast-track race to hitch yourself up with another partner in the shortest possible time-frame. It sounds like your sense of self probably took a bit of a knock in your last relationship, which is why you’re in kind of a hurry to find some stability again, but leaping into another serious relationship is exactly what you don’t need right now.

You’re only going to pick the right partner for yourself if you know who you are. The fact that you’re imagining yourself into probable futures with people you hardly know just shows that your frame of questioning is out of kilter. The main issue isn’t whether or not they want to be with you, but are they the right fit for you and your life? You weaken your own sense of self-worth when you base your happiness on other people’s acceptance or rejection. This is why you become depressed when relationships don’t work out, because you are placing yourself at the mercy of someone else’s choice, feeling validated if they choose you and not if they don’t. That’s a very exposed place to be, so it’s no wonder you’re feeling vulnerable.

Of course you want to be excited about the prospect of another relationship, but when you cross the line from natural anticipation to being totally invested in every date turning into something more serious, then you have created your own personal cross to bear. You’ll need to cultivate a little detachment that will allow you to feel the excitement without being utterly invested in the outcome. Catch yourself when you’re starting to imagine potential futures and draw your attention back to the present moment, where it’s all still very much an unknown quantity. Learn to enjoy the anticipation without trying to nail it all down right away.

My best advice to you right now would be to date up a storm. Forget trying to secure a relationship, just get on with the business of having fun and noticing what each particular person brings out in you – treat it like a graduate course in self-knowledge that just happens to have lots of hunky dudes on the curriculum. Each person will show you something different about yourself, so make an effort to go out with men who are a real change from previous partners and not necessarily your first, automatic choice. This could be such an exciting and joyful time for you, as you get to know what’s important to you, what makes your heart sing and what makes you feel good about yourself.

If you find yourself going down the obsessive and insecure ‘Does he want me?’ route, then just learn to notice it, laugh at it and move swiftly on to the more pertinent question of ‘Do I want him?’. Nothing is more attractive than self-confidence and there is absolutely nothing in the universe more repellent than neediness. We’re all very intuitive beings, whether we choose to admit it or not. We can sense another’s neediness and – because we know it is a form of desperation that has very little to do with desiring us in particular – we will all run a mile when we sense that blip on the radar. So, an intense desire to find a relationship is a literally repulsive energy, pushing away the person you are trying to attract.

If you keep your intention on having a good time, learning about yourself and getting to know some interesting new people, a healthy relationship will naturally evolve from that as a by-product. If you focus on getting a relationship with an intense and needy energy, all you’ll get is heartache and a persistently worsening sense of self-worth. So, from now on, pay a lot of attention to how you feel when you’re around different prospective partners. Do you feel relaxed around them, supported, challenged, or inspired? Notice the qualities that you most admire in them and pay as much attention to what they admire in you. When you can see your own value, you can make wise choices and genuinely enjoy the process of finding the right partner.

Get your glad rags on and get out there and have fun. Let them see how fabulous you are and how lucky they’d be to have you. Make dating the kind of game you like to play because it’s an adventure, not a sprint to the finish line. Bonne chasse … happy hunting!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Time Out

Coach Fabulous is taking a well-earned break to soak up the sun, indulge in a little sangria and generally lounge about on the fabulous island of Ibiza. The next update will be on Thursday May 25. In the meantime, if you're looking for a little inspiration, the Coach Fabulous holiday reading selection will include Cheryl Richardson's The Unmistakeable Touch of Grace, Caroline Myss' Invisible Acts of Power and What We Ache For by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Hasta Pronto fabulistas.

Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have been doing some work on what I should do next with my life and find myself in the position where I know what the next step should be, but every time I try to take it something happens. I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years with someone who on the surface appears to be sweet, if a little set in his ways, sociable, intelligent and having a lot in common with myself. There is however another side to him which I have discovered over time which is an addiction to sex on the internet, and hard drinking which leaves him disabled for days and creates havoc in his life - as he does and says things which are plain nasty. I had hoped that over time, his stated intention to move into a new way of life would prevail and indeed he has recently taken some steps in a better direction but the same problems continue and I find I am personally sickened by the internet stuff in particular. We have discussed counselling but he has agreed and then reneged on that, now he is putting pressure on me to get involved with him financially which given the circumstances I cannot even consider.I think practically I should move away from him, but there is a fear of what he will do to himself if I do that. Part of me feels that in the end he will motivate himself to move forward, part of me fears he will end up in a mental hospital.People advise me that I should leave him, and indeed it is the most sensible thing to do, but what has kept me going through all of this is the belief that there is something more to him. However the recent things I have discovered (which are not run of the mill at all) have left me too cold sexually to be able to continue with a part of our lives which always, despite other problems, had worked in the past. I wonder if this is the final nail in the coffin. I have suggested sex counselling but he is so embarrassed when found out that he won't or if he agrees then he changes his mind the next day. I know he is also depressed - but again, he prefers alcohol as medication - against medical advice. Where do I begin?

Stuck on Him

Dear Stuck on Him

How bad does it have to get? The first thing you have to ask yourself is: Why am I willing to stay stuck in a relationship that gives me so little and disrespects me in so many ways? Interestingly, the opening sentence of your question was about you and the next step you want to take, but the rest is all about him. You barely get a look-in.

If a friend told this story to you, you know what your advice would be – and it wouldn’t include signing up for more of this, for sure. I’m hoping that seeing it all in black and white will give you a bit of a wake-up call, to help you see how little you are invested in your own life. Your partner is not the issue here – you are.

Relationships are very complex and it’s always easy for an outsider to say, as your friends have done, that it’s time to go. But you’re the one who has to get it. You’re the one who has to realise that your life is worth more than just caretaking someone who is out of control and has no wish or will to remedy that. Two themes are bubbling up here: one is that you are in love with the potential of your partner, not the reality, and the other is that you are practising some form of rescuing. A part of you clearly enjoys taking care of the bird with the broken wing, but this is at the expense of your own life.

When these themes are at work in our lives, we are essentially preventing ourselves from having healthier relationships, because we’ve cast ourselves in a particular role. You are getting some of your self-worth and self-esteem from helping this man in a martyr-like role and from seeing him as he could be, rather than how he is. It’s a wonderful gift to be able to hold a vision of someone else’s potential when they can’t see it for themselves, but if it means tolerating destructive behaviour in reality, then you are simply enabling them to stay stuck. You aren’t actually helping.

How you move forward from here is all about you and very little about him. You need to make some deep inner inquiry into your past relationships and look at the kinds of themes that emerge. Underneath these kinds of experiences lies a deep-seated form of self-loathing, a part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve anything better. You may consciously think that you do, but on an emotional level you don’t believe it to be true. Really be honest about how much you like yourself and how genuine your commitment is to making a better life for yourself.

There is plenty of material on I Am Fabulous to help you learn to like and ultimately love yourself for who you are, but in addition I would recommend the work of Chuck Spezzano, particularly If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love, to help you begin to understand the kind of role you have cast yourself in and to unravel those complex emotions.

What you need to take from this is that you are not responsible for anyone other than yourself. Your partner makes the choices he makes and you decide if you are willing to be around someone who behaves like that. If you’re not, you need to instigate consequences for his behaviour or his lack of action and be willing to carry them through. You need to know what your limits are, what you’re willing to tolerate and where you’re going to draw the line. This is not about controlling him or forcing him to change, but making a statement to yourself that you are committed to a better life. If he is not willing to accommodate the changes you’re making in your own life, then get out of the line of fire. You do not need to put up with his self-destruction or to try to prevent him from doing it. That’s his choice and you should be a lot more interested in what’s going on in your life than in his.

When you’re getting dragged off course by other people’s dramas it may look like it’s someone else’s fault that you’re not getting on with your own life, but that’s a total smokescreen. It’s really your own fear of striking out on your own, masquerading as rescuing, that’s at work here. Getting so tied up in your partner’s life gives you the perfect excuse not to move forward, and – even better – gives you someone else to blame for it. Don’t use this awareness to beat yourself up, just to recognise how true it might be for you and to take the steps necessary to get your focus off other people and into your own life. From a full life of your own, you will have so much more to offer others than sacrifice and guilt. You can be an inspiration to them to get on with their own.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter