Friday, April 28, 2006

To Let Or Not To Let

Dear Coach Fabulous

I am having difficulty in deciding on one of two choices about how to run my finances and life following an imminent house move. I am selling my house to release capital, re-schedule all my finances finally – after a marital separation – and set off, hopefully on a new path. I cannot choose whether to buy one home for myself and live mortgage-free or to invest in property and let it, whilst renting something for myself in the meantime. I do not know which way to go and I cannot seem to make the decision. One day I feel one way and quite certain, and the next I am back to square one. I need to stabilise financially and live according to my own values, having released my attachment to someone else's. I need to sell my house. That is not in question. I need to be able to choose one way or the other about how to live going forward. I would appreciate any help you can give.

Turning Point


Dear Turning Point

The answer lies in clarifying what your values are and having the courage to live according to your own lights. You are at a really powerful juncture in your life, about to set off on the adventure of creating a new life on your own, which can also be incredibly scary. I suspect that you already know the option that you would prefer, but that you are terrified of making a mistake.

First of all, let’s take some pressure off, by saying that none of the choices available to you are mistakes – they’re just options. Also, you haven’t explored all your options either. For example, rather than the dilemma of having one paid-up house that you live in versus a buy-to-let property and renting elsewhere yourself, there’s also the option that you could purchase two smaller properties, to live in one and rent the other. The way to break the stranglehold a dilemma has on your mind is to open up to new possibilities. It’s the either/or scenario that keeps your head spinning.

Now that you can see beyond the two possibilities you have been considering, ask yourself what is really important to you - the day-to-day security of knowing your house is mortgage-free or the expanded investment potential of having additional or buy-to-let property? As you are coming out of a marriage where you seem to have had to adapt your values to suit your partner’s way of life, there may be a little work involved in uncovering exactly how you feel. If you’re in the process of reclaiming your own life and restoring your true values, these are some of the questions that will help you to get clear: Am I more naturally inclined to have everything secure and nailed down or am I happy to take a risk? How did I approach my finances before I got married? If I dropped my fear of making a mistake, what would be my first-choice option? What’s really in my heart – relaxing into being safely free of debt or optimism about investing in the future?

Then look at the business issues: How skilled am I at property investment and where could I get unbiased professional advice? Am I certain of where I want to live and am I ready to commit to buying property in that location? Have I done the research to satisfy me that rental property in that location is a sound investment?

To get completely clear on what’s the best choice for you, really feel into how each option would fit into the life you’re planning for yourself. Can you see yourself being happy and having all the flexibility or security you need? Property may be the biggest purchase you ever make, but it’s not the biggest factor in your happiness. Make your property choices serve the life you want to lead. Don’t let the tail wag the dog.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

One Way Or Another


Dear Coach Fabulous

I have the feeling that whatever I do I will have to hurt someone. I feel that for me personally I need to relocate back to my home town where my family lives, however I have had a longstanding relationship for some three years now and although it is not all bad I cannot shed my desire to be back home. I have tried to talk to my partner but he has never been able to talk about this with me. There have been ultimatums, threats, partings but we never get around to any kind of a solution. Now he is recovering from a major illness and isn't actually able to discuss anything. I feel my time is running out - I am so unhappy because I feel that I am putting everyone's needs before my own. I want to see him through this bad patch and then go home. We did agree to go for counselling but again, this is something that was agreed to and then not arranged and I guess that would reflect my own ambivalence as much as his.I am so stuck. I feel I really need space to make this decision, unfortunately with him so ill I don't see how I can right now.


Isolated and Increasingly Depressed


Dear Isolated and Increasingly Depressed

What’s coming through strongly in your question is that you feel that you only have two choices – and both of them involve some form of sacrifice. The good news is that there’s always another way to look at any situation, however limited you feel your choices may be.

Firstly, it will help you to look at the deeper reasons why you feel the strong pull to return to your home town. It’s not just about your family – there are qualities that you’re seeking such as more support, familiarity or a new start that the move home represents. This is a time to be very honest with yourself about what that move really means to you. You also might want to look at whether moving could be a form of escape from the problems you’re encountering in your relationship, rather than a real need to return.

Because you’ve been feeling depressed, just thinking about it isn’t enough, as that will just follow the tracks your mind has already established. Get creative with some coloured pens and a journal and make this a fun opportunity to gain clarity. Make lists, draw pictures or use colour to illustrate how you feel about being where you are now and what you think you’d get from moving home. Do not skip this step – writing it down will help you to clear your thoughts and get out of your ingrained thought patterns.

When you’re clear about what you really need, then it’s time to take a look at how well (or badly) those needs are being met in your relationship, your work and in the friendships you currently have. While doing this, make it a ruthless inventory – be very honest with yourself and forget about being charitable – and be very clear on what’s working and what’s not.

Then take a fresh look at how you might make changes right where you are now. What opportunities exist for you to connect more deeply with the people around you and find more support? What else could you bring into your life to help you feel more fulfilled? This will require some creative thinking and a willingness to see possibilities you’ve previously ignored or felt weren’t possible. Challenge yourself to find ways to improve your life in the smallest of ways. Find immediate opportunities to lift your mood: walk outdoors, get a massage, go dancing, see a fun film with friends. Get time away if you can. Your best thinking cannot be done in a flat, uninspired state of mind.

When you’re feeling a little more uplifted, get your journal out again and look at what’s really going on in your relationship. It’s clear that you don’t feel heard and that you feel that you have to sacrifice your needs in the relationship as it stands, even to the point where you feel you don’t have the right to discuss your feelings about wanting to move away because your partner is ill. You need to make the choice to make yourself and your wellbeing a priority and stay focused on your commitment to building a life that you enjoy, with all the support you need. Forget ultimatums and try a much more open and engaging tactic with your partner. Be honest about how you feel and let him know that you don’t have all the answers. Enlist his support in exploring options that would benefit the both of you, either where you are or back in your home town. Let him know how much you care and that you want to make it work, but that cannot come at the expense of your own life.

Of course, your own inner enquiries may show you that perhaps this relationship is not enough to hold you where you are, but at least give yourself the gift of knowing that you have tried to honour yourself and give fully to the relationship at the same time. If that can’t be done, then you can move on with a clear conscience, knowing you are making the right decision.

When you get down to the nitty-gritty of ultimate decision-making, use the visualisation of walking down each of the paths as described in the earlier Coach Fabulous dialogue, Spoiled For Choice. It will help you to feel into each option, giving you a stronger sense of the impact the choice will have. You can also use it to gauge timing too, by asking yourself how it would feel to make the decision or move now or in a few months’ time and so on.

That you’re feeling depressed is a sign that you’ve lost hope of finding an answer to a dilemma, but its underlying purpose is to make your life so uncomfortable that you will be forced to take a stand. It’s time to believe that your life counts, that what you feel and need is important and that you can be supported in making that a reality. It’s time to believe in yourself and to reach out and connect more fully in all your relationships. If you’re willing to make that commitment to yourself, then this situation could resolve itself peacefully in ways you’d never imagined.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Standing At The Crossroads

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m a bit mixed up about the course I should be following just now. My sense is that I’m at something of a crossroads, but there are no signposts. How do I work out where I should go from here? Looking within doesn’t seem to give me any pointers and the range of things I’m looking at feels overwhelming. I’m also unwell with a bout of shingles and I wonder if I shouldn’t do too much until that goes or is that me just drifting along, ignoring what I should be doing?

Dazed and Confused


Dear Dazed and Confused

The best thing for you to do right now is to accept that you are in overwhelm on a lot of different levels - physically, mentally, emotionally and quite probably spiritually - and let that be OK. This is not the time to take on dealing with all the issues in your life, but a time to deal with just what is in front of you right now. Your first priority has to be your health. When you give yourself proper rest, rather than stressing out wanting things to be different, then as your body recuperates your clarity of mind will start to return too.

Shingles affects the nervous system, so quality of rest is vital for you now. That includes resting the mind and the emotions. Try to be mindful about how you're going to achieve that rest, by scheduling time into your day for meditation or simply being quiet and unstimulated by TV, radio, internet, phones etc. Let other people deal with their own problems and keep well away from anyone who drains your energy. Keep your focus on the present moment - how you're feeling and what your body needs in terms of light, food, rest and relaxation. That doesn't mean 24/7 beansprouts and tofu either - this is not about rigidity, but making sure that you're taking care of yourself and enjoying yourself too.

When your body is rested, your mind will naturally calm down and become clearer. You can speed that process by making sure that the forms of meditation or relaxation you do are simple and joyful for you. Give up trying hard to work it all out and focus on simply being rested. The paradox is that if you stop trying to get answers, I guarantee you they will appear as a byproduct of committing to your wellness. Use this time to feel into simple, basic guidance from your body on what you need and build up from there. Make sure that your first questions of the day are 'What would I like to do today? What would feel good? I appreciate that you're going to have to juggle other commitments, but it's your willingness to commit to yourself that's going to get you out of the doldrums.

Really watch your mental patterns around worrying. The nervous system aspect of your illness indicates a burnout from chronic anxiety or stress, so your body is trying to tell you something. Treat your illness like a shamanic test - it's come to shed light on behaviour patterns or beliefs that are no longer helpful to you, so honour it and let it do its job. Notice where your thoughts go. If you find yourself worrying, be creative and find a way to distract your mind or put it to good use imagining something fun you want to bring into your life. You could come out of this hiatus with a level of inner peace that you may never have imagined.

There are two simple messages here - accept and rest. You really don't need to do anything else for the minute. Don't worry about drifting along and not dealing with things, as there's not a lot you can achieve when your energy is low and it's certainly not the best time to make decisions. If you get very in touch with your own energy, you'll know when it's time to move into the next phase of getting clear on what you want from your life. Just keep choosing things to do and people to see that make you happy and your joie de vivre will return.

Finally, crossroads are really powerful places to be. From here you could create the kind of life you really want, as opposed to the one you think you could have. Make sure you build the kind of energy that can open you to clear guidance and bring out what's really in your heart. Don't forget, even if it looks like you're doing nothing right now, there's still a lot going on. Trust the process and let yourself off the hook.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter

Thursday, April 06, 2006

In My Mind's Eye



Dear Coach Fabulous

For some reason I can’t visualise things with my eyes closed. I have very vivid dreams in colour and sound and in exceptional circumstances, say when massaging someone that I have a connection with, a spontaneous colourful beautiful image comes to me.

I can visualise things with my eyes open and can translate it to paper but I cannot create an image in my minds eye. I feel I am missing out on a whole dimension of my inner world.

Do you think I can learn to visualise or do I have to stay in my dark world?

Blind Spot


Dear Blind Spot

You don’t say why you feel the need to create images with your eyes closed, so I am guessing it’s something to with positive visualisation in meditation. This technique is a very powerful way of building confidence and creating uplifting emotional states, so it’s worth a bit of perseverance.

The good news is that you clearly already have some facility in this arena, given that you can visualise with your eyes open and that spontaneous images do come to you at times. That means this is really just a question of refining that skill, rather than starting from scratch.

When you close your eyes, try first to visualise a blank screen in front of you, rather like a movie screen. This is where all the action will take place. It might help to imagine that you are sitting in a cinema watching it all from a distance. Feel how comfortable you are in the seat, imagine the temperature in the room, sense if there’s any noise around you and see if you can notice any particular scent (like popcorn!). What is really going to make this work is your ability to tap in to as many of your senses as possible.

Then, choose a scenario to visualise that brings pleasant memories and engages all of your senses. For a lot of people, one of the easiest things to visualise is food. Think of something that’s juicy, full of flavour and scent, that you love to eat, perhaps a piece of fruit like a very ripe mango. Draw on a real memory of tasting it, to get your emotions engaged, remembering who you were with and how you felt at the time. First imagine holding it in your hand, noticing the colour, how soft it feels and what it smells like. Then take a big bite and really notice the taste, the feeling of the juice running down your chin – I defy anyone to eat a mango without that happening – and how sticky it makes your fingers feel. Notice if it’s sunny, if there’s a breeze and what’s going on around you.

When you feel comfortable with the sensations of your particular scenario, try projecting that up onto the screen, seeing the action take place in your mind’s eye. Keep re-running it and filling it with colour and light until you can be totally absorbed in it, as if it were real. Let the screen get bigger until it takes over your whole inner vision and you’re no longer watching it, but actually in the action as it’s taking place.

The more you practice with simple scenes like this, the stronger your powers of visualisation will be. Then you can build up to more complex stories of seeing yourself healthy, successful, happy, relaxed, enjoying a relationship – basically anything you want to draw into your life. Remember that the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between real and imagined events, so your body will respond to visualisation as though it’s actually happening and release all the relaxation or happy hormones that it would in a real occurrence. So, if you can’t afford a holiday, at least get some of the benefit by visualising having one!

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2006 Alison Porter