Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Coach Fabulous

My partner and I have had a very turbulent past relationship but we have managed to come through an awful lot and become closer. Our relationship continues to deepen, to my amazement, in so many different ways. There’s always something new to learn, new places within it to go. Recently we undertook some counselling and it was helpful in that it opened up a lot of dialogue between us and I learned to see things from his point of view a lot more.

The problem now is that due to our differences in the past we now have jobs in separate towns an hour apart and as part of a “space required” exercise we now live separately during the week and get together at weekends.

My partner would like me to relocate back to his house, and I do understand the reasons why this would be a better idea - and I know I am at base happiest when we are together - but a part of me remembers the bad old days and is hesitant, another part of me so loves my current place of work and location and would be loath to give it up. It’s a bit like being a weekly boarder.

I know that at this point in our relationship it is crunch time we simply can’t go on in limbo but yet my partner does not appear to be willing to take the step of a full commitment such as marriage or civil partnership.

Any advice?

Standing At The Crossroads

Dear Standing At The Crossroads

There are a few red flags in your question, so let’s take them one at a time. It’s great that you’ve taken the step of getting counselling, but it’s slightly concerning that the result is that you’ve ‘learned to see things from his point of view more’. Ideally, you’d have learned to see each other’s point of view and find a compromise that works for both of you. It might just be the way you’ve expressed it, but from the rest of your question I’m getting the impression that the compromise is pretty much all down to you.

You like where you live and work, but your partner wants you to move to where he is. You clearly would like a greater level of commitment, but your partner is not willing to think in terms of civil partnership or marriage. From the small glimpse you’ve given me of your life, it doesn’t sound like you have a common vision of a future together, which is an essential if you want to build a life with someone. I’m reminded of the Antoine de Saint-Exupery quote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.”

Before you take any kind of step to change the structure of your life, you absolutely must be certain that choice will take you in the direction you want to go, not just where your partner would like you to go. The ‘bad old days’ will resurface if you don’t stand your ground and ensure that you’re happy with how things are unfolding within your relationship. A major commitment issue can be a dealbreaker. You need to decide if you can be happy with less of a commitment or if it’s a hurdle you just can’t get over. Do not try to postpone the decision until after you’ve relocated – that’s just asking for trouble. Moving to a new area and letting go of your own happy situation will be challenging and you want to know that you’re doing it because you’re secure in your relationship and have a shared vision of how you want your lives to unfold together.

With a lot of honest communication, even turbulent relationships can evolve into strong partnerships and it seems as though you’ve been doing a lot of work to try to make that happen. Don’t give up on that good work when it comes to ensuring that you’re both clear on how you see your future. If it’s really what you want, it won’t feel like a sacrifice. I’m suspecting it currently does because the commitment issue means more to you than you’ve been willing to admit. Stand your ground and make the choices that feel right to you. A strong partnership is one where you’re both willing to stand up for what’s right for you and to work together to find a solution that works for each of you.

Coach Fabulous

What Lies Beneath

Dear Coach Fabulous

I have just come across your website and I must be a prime candidate for no confidence. The worst thing is I used to have loads when I was younger and now I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I have four children, my last being only 4 months ago. I’ve had 3 bouts of post natal depression and trying desperately to avoid a fourth. I have still got pregnancy fat that I’m actively trying to get rid of by nearly killing myself doing a Davina and going to the gym. Before I got pregnant I was going to the gym 3 times a week! I think my weight is probably my biggest problem even though I’m probably only a stone and a half over. But my confidence is way below zero!!!!!!!!!! Help if you can!! Huge challenge I know. :)

Weighing In The Balance


Dear Weighing In The Balance

Confidence is never a constant and it’s particularly susceptible to taking a hit when our bodies change. That doesn’t mean it’s out for the count – your confidence is just having a momentary wobble and if you want it to come out fighting, you’ll need to be kind to yourself. First of all, having 4 children and one of them only 4 months old is a big load, not to mention the post-natal depression. If you’re facing up to another bout of that, don’t try and beat it alone. Get help – medical support, alternative medicine, counselling, getting a break from the kids – whatever it takes. Make sure you talk to your good friends about how you really feel. Nothing is more isolating than trying to handle something that overwhelming without help. For general tips on finding a bit of space for yourself as a new mum, try my iVillage article: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancyandbaby/childcare/worklife/articles/0,,170040_705014,00.html.


To be realistic, carrying another stone and a half after 4 kids (and only months after the last one) isn’t that much of a deal as far as weight goes, so I suspect this is more about disconnection from your body and loss of a sense of self. Let’s take a look at the bod first. I’m going to recommend an online article I’ve written on body confidence to get you started: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/dietandfitness/getfit/bodyshape/articles/0,,259_709239,00.html. The most important thing you need to know is that you cannot sort out weight issues while you’re treating your body like an enemy – you have to start to get comfortable being in your body and then learn to love it. The tips in the piece will help you, but my best clue is using exercise to get in tune with your body, rather than to punish it into submission. Classes like yoga, pilates and tai chi teach you to attune to your body by focusing on how it feels, so that you’re partnering with your body, not beating it up. This is the fastest way to learn how to enjoy your body again, along with going strictly cold turkey on criticising it. Absolutely do not say nasty things to yourself about your body – if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!

Still on the weight issue, forget dieting. We all know it doesn’t work. As you get more in tune with your body, your food choices will change. Try reading Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Thin, which comes with a CD of guided visualisations. He’s had significantly more statistical success with weight loss than any other diet and it’s all about learning to eat well, not starving yourself. No-one wants to be a miserable dieter for the rest of their lives and this book seems to give a sound alternative. Get a makeover too – vanity gets a bad rep, but a new look can put you on top of the world. Enlist the help of a stylist if you can afford it. Very few of us know how to dress our body shape well and if yours has changed, chances are you’re not wearing the styles that show your body off to its best advantage.

The rest of the ‘be kind to yourself’ advice includes things like getting regular massages, taking time out to meet your good friends (even if you can only fit in a coffee) and finding some time for you that’s just sacred. Whatever you do in that time is up to you – it’s about remembering what your interests are and making time for them. Read a good book, crash out on the sofa if you need it, go see an art exhibition, write in a journal, meditate, get smashed every once in a while – it’s totally guilt-free, because it’s about remembering who you are, even if that means being a couch potato one day or a gym bunny the next. Carving out small slices of time for yourself will boost your confidence because you’re claiming your space, standing up for what’s important to you and making it non-negotiable.

If you’ve lost sight of who you were before the kids came along, sign up for an online course or a weekend workshop in something you’ve always wanted to do. Doing new things is always a little scary at first, but stretching your sense of accomplishment is a great builder of self-worth. It may be difficult to fit in, but you have to take care of your own needs and decide what’s important to you. I’d suggest listening to Debbie Ford or Cheryl Richardson, who are coaches broadcasting shows on http://www.hayhouseradio.com/, for a bit of daily upliftment. You can listen to the shows via live streaming or download them to your iPod. Also take a look at
the host of free podcasts available via iTunes – there’s something on almost any imaginable subject, so you’re bound to find something to stimulate your mind. Debbie Ford also has a Best Year Of Your Life kit, with a confidence-building theme to work on every week, which you might enjoy, as well as guided visualisations on loving your body.

I’ve suggested a lot of outer stuff to do, but confidence is really an inside job. You have to get comfortable with being who you are, right here, right now. You have to know that a few extra pounds cannot stand in the way of you being happy, loveable and proud of the person you are. Start loving the small stuff, like how kindly you treat your children or support your friends, how well you manage with a big family or celebrating even just getting through the day in a fairly good mood. Do that every morning and night – find three things you can love about yourself when you’re brushing your teeth in the morning and three more when your head hits the pillow at night. The weight is just a smokescreen – if you can get happy with who you are, you’ll feel confident and enjoy your life no matter what your bathroom scales say. Take the pressure off and don’t give yourself a timescale – just the aim to be happy being you.

Coach Fabulous

If you have an issue you’d like guidance on, need some help finding direction or could just do with a bit of inspiration, email CoachFabulousCo@aol.com and a little cyber-coaching will appear, as if by magic. Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). All material © 2007 Alison Porter